Wishing there was somebody to talk to...
Aug. 3rd, 2008 09:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ciroccojIt's funny what kinds of things make me miss my mom. For the last several months, fears of unavoidable impending depression have been rising, again, but my mom was never really much good about my depression (she was bloody godawful, tbh) so mostly I've just wished I had somebody, anybody, to talk to, and maybe help stave it off for a while. The thing that's making me miss my mother in particular lately has been Daniel. I miss her so much it's painful.
The last few months I've really been feeling totally out of my depth with him. On the surface he's no better or worse than normal; he's spacey, jittery, constantly chattering, focussed on D&D and other fantasy games, and socially inept. There's no crisis or anything, not like the depression stuff. But I keep trying to figure out how to help him be less socially inept, and less spacey, without squashing his quirkiness and uniqueness, and feel like I'm utterly failing.
My mom was really good at this. Valuing a kid's uniqueness and being able to see where he could use some redirection. And there's really nobody else I can think of who might be able to do that. I don't need somebody to tell me that the kid is odd; I'm pretty aware of that. And I don't need anybody to tell me that the way to make him a better person is to just squash or smack the "odd" out of him, and force him to be just like everybody else. But I also don't need to hear that he's perfect the way he is, because a parent's role is merely to allow children to be themselves.
I wish there was somebody I could talk to who has raised a child to adulthood and who might have more perspective on childrearing than people who are in the middle of it. And there isn't anybody. The closest I can think of is Chris' dad and stepmother, who don't see our kids terribly often but who seem pretty down-to-earth about them when they do. They've both criticized our kids, and punished them when they got out of line, but they seem able to do that while still loving and caring about them. I really wish we had somebody like that close by, somebody to provide some perspective on them.
I'm feeling totally lost here.
The last few months I've really been feeling totally out of my depth with him. On the surface he's no better or worse than normal; he's spacey, jittery, constantly chattering, focussed on D&D and other fantasy games, and socially inept. There's no crisis or anything, not like the depression stuff. But I keep trying to figure out how to help him be less socially inept, and less spacey, without squashing his quirkiness and uniqueness, and feel like I'm utterly failing.
My mom was really good at this. Valuing a kid's uniqueness and being able to see where he could use some redirection. And there's really nobody else I can think of who might be able to do that. I don't need somebody to tell me that the kid is odd; I'm pretty aware of that. And I don't need anybody to tell me that the way to make him a better person is to just squash or smack the "odd" out of him, and force him to be just like everybody else. But I also don't need to hear that he's perfect the way he is, because a parent's role is merely to allow children to be themselves.
I wish there was somebody I could talk to who has raised a child to adulthood and who might have more perspective on childrearing than people who are in the middle of it. And there isn't anybody. The closest I can think of is Chris' dad and stepmother, who don't see our kids terribly often but who seem pretty down-to-earth about them when they do. They've both criticized our kids, and punished them when they got out of line, but they seem able to do that while still loving and caring about them. I really wish we had somebody like that close by, somebody to provide some perspective on them.
I'm feeling totally lost here.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 12:37 pm (UTC)I think most traits are at the least double edged tools. A fault in one area, like incessant chattering is a gift to another area. Someone once told me that it is hard to learn anything (via listening) when your mouth is always going and I do tend to agree with him. Up to a point.
I think that it's hard for kids to see that there are multiple ways to be and that some ways are not going to be comfortable for all people. (Heck, that's hard for a lot of adults) I guess thats where the parent gets to help the child puzzle out what went on. You have the gift of experience and the potential for the insight that goes with it. Helping the child see that soandso rejected something or other that the child was doing and helping figure out if he is interested enough in soandso to try and do things a little differently in the future. It sounds like this is something you are already doing. And, as you know from your dealings with the lady who would not keep her promises about shared helping with kids or showing up on time to pick up her kid, not everyone learns or is desirable to have around.
With time, Daniel will learn that it is not he that is rejected, it is what he is doing that the person isn't happy with. The notion that we are not what we do is a hard lesson for most people to learn. We can change our behavior, if we choose, and still remain ourselves.
As a for what it's worth, I have learned a lot from reading your posts. I hope to take your wisdom into the classroom that I have just been offered.