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Adventures in Bureaucracy
Feb. 9th, 2006 04:33 pmWell folks, today I committed fraud against the Government of Ontario, and I'm thrilled to bits and very, very proud of myself.
I have this car, see. It was my mom's, but she died in July 2004, and as her sole beneficiary, it became mine. The Government of Ontario, or rather, the Ministry of Transportation of Ontario, for some reason, did not wish to let the car be mine. Here's how it went:
Me: What do I need to get my name on the ownership paper for this car?
Nameless MTO Person #1: You'll need to bring in your license, the ownership papers, insurance documents, and bill of sale.
Me: Great! Thanks!
::gathers the necessary papers and goes to MTO office, standing in an MTO line with Justin, aged 4, and Daniel, aged 7. Books, toys, snacks and drinks are brought along::
Nameless MTO Person #2: This bill of sale has your name on it, but your name isn't on the ownership paper.
Me: No, that's why I'm here. We bought the car in both our names, but my name was never on the ownership papers.
Nameless MTO Person #2: You need a bill of sale from the person whose name is on the ownership to you.
Me: She didn't sell it to me. She died.
Nameless MTO Person #2: Then you need a copy of the will.
Me: ...
::a few weeks later, books, toys, snacks are brought along::
Nameless MTO Person #3: OK, you have the insurance, copy of the will, ::blah blah:: where's the safety check?
Me: The what?
Nameless MTO Person #3: You need a safety check to transfer the car to your name.
Me: ...
::a few weeks later, no snacks brought along, Justin begins whining about 5 minutes in to the line-up::
Nameless MTO Person #4: ::blah blah:: ... and the DriveClean emission test?
Me: The what?
Nameless MTO Person #4: New rules, car transfers now require an emission test as well as a safety check.
Me: ...
::a few months later, Daniel and Justin are now 5 and 8::
Nameless MTO Person #5: ::blah blah:: ... this Safety Check is more than 36 days old. It's expired.
Me: ...
::a few months later::
.. anyway, you get the idea. I let the thing lie for a while. The next time I went, several months later, sans toys and snacks, I made sure to get a written list of all I needed to bring. It included "copy of the will". So you can imagine my delight when I was told, a couple of days ago, that when they said "copy", they actually meant original copy. Not photocopy. What joy. I no longer have any originals.
Almost burst into tears at the MTO lady and, amid exhortations to my toy- and book- and snack-less 6- and 9-year-old children to Sit! and Be still!, told her my sorry tale. Got her to list what I needed, in writing. And despaired.
Then last night I took my scans of the will. Lightened them and sharpened them to make them look like originals. Printed on Best Quality. Traced over the signatures with the blunt end of a sewing needle. Stapled them together, folded them a few times, very lightly crumpled them to give them that "every so often I get carted around in the backpack of the executrix along with sippy cups and snacks for a few weeks" look. Put a tiny smear of peanut butter on one of the pages.
Walked into the MTO this morning, waited in line for about 15 minutes, got to the front and was told the MTO lady in front of me could not do Estates. Suppressed a sob, waited another 15 minutes, handed another MTO lady my papers, and walked out about 25 minutes later with my ownership papers and my will, which was given a very cursory glance by the MTO lady, and the sense that I'd just moved the Mountain to Mohammed.
Go fraud.
I have this car, see. It was my mom's, but she died in July 2004, and as her sole beneficiary, it became mine. The Government of Ontario, or rather, the Ministry of Transportation of Ontario, for some reason, did not wish to let the car be mine. Here's how it went:
Me: What do I need to get my name on the ownership paper for this car?
Nameless MTO Person #1: You'll need to bring in your license, the ownership papers, insurance documents, and bill of sale.
Me: Great! Thanks!
::gathers the necessary papers and goes to MTO office, standing in an MTO line with Justin, aged 4, and Daniel, aged 7. Books, toys, snacks and drinks are brought along::
Nameless MTO Person #2: This bill of sale has your name on it, but your name isn't on the ownership paper.
Me: No, that's why I'm here. We bought the car in both our names, but my name was never on the ownership papers.
Nameless MTO Person #2: You need a bill of sale from the person whose name is on the ownership to you.
Me: She didn't sell it to me. She died.
Nameless MTO Person #2: Then you need a copy of the will.
Me: ...
::a few weeks later, books, toys, snacks are brought along::
Nameless MTO Person #3: OK, you have the insurance, copy of the will, ::blah blah:: where's the safety check?
Me: The what?
Nameless MTO Person #3: You need a safety check to transfer the car to your name.
Me: ...
::a few weeks later, no snacks brought along, Justin begins whining about 5 minutes in to the line-up::
Nameless MTO Person #4: ::blah blah:: ... and the DriveClean emission test?
Me: The what?
Nameless MTO Person #4: New rules, car transfers now require an emission test as well as a safety check.
Me: ...
::a few months later, Daniel and Justin are now 5 and 8::
Nameless MTO Person #5: ::blah blah:: ... this Safety Check is more than 36 days old. It's expired.
Me: ...
::a few months later::
.. anyway, you get the idea. I let the thing lie for a while. The next time I went, several months later, sans toys and snacks, I made sure to get a written list of all I needed to bring. It included "copy of the will". So you can imagine my delight when I was told, a couple of days ago, that when they said "copy", they actually meant original copy. Not photocopy. What joy. I no longer have any originals.
Almost burst into tears at the MTO lady and, amid exhortations to my toy- and book- and snack-less 6- and 9-year-old children to Sit! and Be still!, told her my sorry tale. Got her to list what I needed, in writing. And despaired.
Then last night I took my scans of the will. Lightened them and sharpened them to make them look like originals. Printed on Best Quality. Traced over the signatures with the blunt end of a sewing needle. Stapled them together, folded them a few times, very lightly crumpled them to give them that "every so often I get carted around in the backpack of the executrix along with sippy cups and snacks for a few weeks" look. Put a tiny smear of peanut butter on one of the pages.
Walked into the MTO this morning, waited in line for about 15 minutes, got to the front and was told the MTO lady in front of me could not do Estates. Suppressed a sob, waited another 15 minutes, handed another MTO lady my papers, and walked out about 25 minutes later with my ownership papers and my will, which was given a very cursory glance by the MTO lady, and the sense that I'd just moved the Mountain to Mohammed.
Go fraud.
