From The Mixed-Up Files
Sep. 28th, 2003 12:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ciroccojMmm, salad is good. First head of lettuce today. Ever since I went on the mega-hormones, my body thinks I'm pregnant, so it insists on veggies all day, every day. So very bizarre, since I normally hate veggies.
Clearing old files, I found a snippet of a scene from NYPD Blue that I sent to Leslie. I don't know how we got on the topic, but I told her I'd recently watched what I figured must be the scene with the largest number of euphemisms for anal sex in the history of TV, and I tried to remember what I could of it and send it to her. I've never watched the show before, so I didn't even know the characters' names, but it was still pretty funny. Here it is:
OK, the 'searching the gay bar' scene was played a lot like that scene in L&O's Born Bad where Lennie and Mike walk into the gay strip joint, Mike very nonchalantly glances at the male stripper and comments, "Kid's not old enough to be in here."
"I'm not old enough to be in here," says Lennie, and as they go in back, he says, rather squeamishly, "Mike... don't touch anything."
Well, picture Rick Schroeder (don't know his character's name) being just as nonchalant as Mike, but Andy a lot more uncomfortable and squeamish. Not Lennie's 'eew - wish I'd stayed home today' but somewhere between that (make that eeeeeewww) and Max Greevey's horrified disgust in Prisoner of Love. With a little more anger thrown in, as he's intensely uncomfortable and taking it out on the people around him. Maybe a little of Rey at the S&M hangout in Castoff too.
Rick gets a few come-ons from the patrons, which he's just as oblivious to as Rey is to the come-ons he gets from women. Then they talk to a bartender, who, other than coming on to Rick, is pretty helpful (they show him a picture of their suspect, he says yeah, he's probably in a back room) until he turns around to get something, bends down - and they find he's wearing a pair of seatless pants. Andy's quite horrified, and yells at him, "Hey!! Put an apron on!"
"Why? I wipe my hands on my pants, Officer," the guy says, highly amused.
"Detective! And you're probably breaking about a dozen decency laws like that!"
Yeah, sure, whatever, the bartender just shrugs and shares a smile with the nearby patrons.
Andy and Rick go to the 'back rooms', one of which is the bathroom. They're about to leave when Rick notices the guy in one of the stalls is wearing two right sneakers. Their victim only had one shoe on.
So then they take him in. And he's protesting that he's innocent, and they have nothing to hold him on.
Andy: Well, see, there's the fact that you were seen leaving the bar with the victim. And you were seen leaving the hotel where he died. And you've got a hell of a record for prostitution. And you're still wearing his right shoe! With his blood on it!
Joe: But that's all circumstantial.
Rick: So you don't know this John Smith guy? (they show him a picture)
Joe: Never seen him.
Andy: He weighs about a thousand pounds. You stabbed him forty-seven times and cut off his Johnson. Does that jog your memory at all?
Joe: Nope.
Andy: You know, if you confess to this murder we'll make you a deal: we won't tell anybody that you were dumb enough to be walking around with the victim's right shoe for twelve hours after you killed him.
(At some point Andy alludes to him being gay.)
Joe: Wait - how come you think that?
Andy: Well, seeing as how we found you in a fairy bar...
Joe: So just because I was in a gay bar, that makes me a queer?
Andy: Yeah. And just because you were in a gay bar with the victim's right shoe, that makes you a queer moron!
Joe: So if I was in an auto-shop, would that make me, what, a car?
(They again bring up his record for prostitution. And that does it.)
Joe: Lissen, that is strictly business.
Rick: What do you mean?
Joe: I mean, I don't go that way. It's for the money, I'm a professional. These guys, they want one thing, they pay, you know? Poke in the seat. And I do that. Pitching only, no catching.
Rick: No catching?
Joe: No catching. That's a one-way street there, no backing up.
Rick: (nodding, very serious) OK. No backing up that one-way street.
Joe: And no pulling nothin', either.
Rick: OK. That's your business, entry only, no handling.
Andy: So you're there at the fairy club, with your lunch box, punching in-
Joe: And only punching in-
Andy: Right. And... what happens?
Joe: Nothing. Some back alley action, I get my money, that's it.
Andy: You were seen leaving with this Smith guy.
Joe: OK. Fine. I left with him.
Andy: Didja do some pitching for the Majors for Smith?
Joe: Yeah. OK. Yeah, I did.
Andy: OK, so you're done rear-ending him...
Joe: Done rear-ending him, yeah.
Andy: And then what?
Joe: Nothing. I left.
Andy: I think you took one for the Gipper.
Joe: I did not!
Andy: I think you did.
Joe: No way!
Andy: I think he went in the back door. Or you grabbed his popo-
Joe: I did not grab his popo-
Andy: Well, there was some popo-grabbing-
Rick: Andy, will you lay off on the popo-grabbing? I believe you, man, you did not grab his popo.
Andy: I'll lay off on the popo-grabbing if he can explain why he did the Johnson-snipping.
Joe: I did not-
Andy: Right. You just filled your quota for the night.
Joe: Right. His quota, not mine.
Andy: OK, but when you were done riding Shamu the Whale-
Joe: I left.
Rick: Just left?
Andy: So why take his shoe? And how come there's his blood on your shoe?
Joe: (Thinking... slowly...)
Rick: Did things get kinda rough?
Joe: Well, yeah, he wanted some extra.
Andy: You mean like some touchy-feely downstairs?
Joe: No, I don't do that. That's for sissies. Spanking.
Andy: So you spanked him, then serviced him, then... where'd the blood come from?
Joe: I don't know.
They keep working on him (unfortunate expression) until he finally says to Rick, very seriously:
Joe: Look, I will spank you, I will give it to you, you can lick my feet, but you can not kiss me.
Rick: (long pause, looking at Joe) Who are you talking to, now?
Joe: Him. The trick.
Rick: OK. So you got this trick, Smith, and you tell him I'll do A and B to you, you can do Z to me-
Joe: Wait a minute, wait a minute, what's Z to me?
Rick: Z would be licking your feet.
Joe: OK, OK, you can do Z to me.
Rick: OK, so you can do Z to me, but not Q.
Joe: What's Q?
Rick: Kissing you.
Joe: Right.
Rick: So did you go into the consequences if he did Q to you?
Joe: No.
Rick: Go on.
Joe: So I'm all done, I got my money, I go clean up, and next thing I know this fat bastard comes up behind me and starts slobbering on me. What would you do?
Andy: Say no more (making a snipping motion. The guy nods, satisfied that his honour is intact.)
Clearing old files, I found a snippet of a scene from NYPD Blue that I sent to Leslie. I don't know how we got on the topic, but I told her I'd recently watched what I figured must be the scene with the largest number of euphemisms for anal sex in the history of TV, and I tried to remember what I could of it and send it to her. I've never watched the show before, so I didn't even know the characters' names, but it was still pretty funny. Here it is:
OK, the 'searching the gay bar' scene was played a lot like that scene in L&O's Born Bad where Lennie and Mike walk into the gay strip joint, Mike very nonchalantly glances at the male stripper and comments, "Kid's not old enough to be in here."
"I'm not old enough to be in here," says Lennie, and as they go in back, he says, rather squeamishly, "Mike... don't touch anything."
Well, picture Rick Schroeder (don't know his character's name) being just as nonchalant as Mike, but Andy a lot more uncomfortable and squeamish. Not Lennie's 'eew - wish I'd stayed home today' but somewhere between that (make that eeeeeewww) and Max Greevey's horrified disgust in Prisoner of Love. With a little more anger thrown in, as he's intensely uncomfortable and taking it out on the people around him. Maybe a little of Rey at the S&M hangout in Castoff too.
Rick gets a few come-ons from the patrons, which he's just as oblivious to as Rey is to the come-ons he gets from women. Then they talk to a bartender, who, other than coming on to Rick, is pretty helpful (they show him a picture of their suspect, he says yeah, he's probably in a back room) until he turns around to get something, bends down - and they find he's wearing a pair of seatless pants. Andy's quite horrified, and yells at him, "Hey!! Put an apron on!"
"Why? I wipe my hands on my pants, Officer," the guy says, highly amused.
"Detective! And you're probably breaking about a dozen decency laws like that!"
Yeah, sure, whatever, the bartender just shrugs and shares a smile with the nearby patrons.
Andy and Rick go to the 'back rooms', one of which is the bathroom. They're about to leave when Rick notices the guy in one of the stalls is wearing two right sneakers. Their victim only had one shoe on.
So then they take him in. And he's protesting that he's innocent, and they have nothing to hold him on.
Andy: Well, see, there's the fact that you were seen leaving the bar with the victim. And you were seen leaving the hotel where he died. And you've got a hell of a record for prostitution. And you're still wearing his right shoe! With his blood on it!
Joe: But that's all circumstantial.
Rick: So you don't know this John Smith guy? (they show him a picture)
Joe: Never seen him.
Andy: He weighs about a thousand pounds. You stabbed him forty-seven times and cut off his Johnson. Does that jog your memory at all?
Joe: Nope.
Andy: You know, if you confess to this murder we'll make you a deal: we won't tell anybody that you were dumb enough to be walking around with the victim's right shoe for twelve hours after you killed him.
(At some point Andy alludes to him being gay.)
Joe: Wait - how come you think that?
Andy: Well, seeing as how we found you in a fairy bar...
Joe: So just because I was in a gay bar, that makes me a queer?
Andy: Yeah. And just because you were in a gay bar with the victim's right shoe, that makes you a queer moron!
Joe: So if I was in an auto-shop, would that make me, what, a car?
(They again bring up his record for prostitution. And that does it.)
Joe: Lissen, that is strictly business.
Rick: What do you mean?
Joe: I mean, I don't go that way. It's for the money, I'm a professional. These guys, they want one thing, they pay, you know? Poke in the seat. And I do that. Pitching only, no catching.
Rick: No catching?
Joe: No catching. That's a one-way street there, no backing up.
Rick: (nodding, very serious) OK. No backing up that one-way street.
Joe: And no pulling nothin', either.
Rick: OK. That's your business, entry only, no handling.
Andy: So you're there at the fairy club, with your lunch box, punching in-
Joe: And only punching in-
Andy: Right. And... what happens?
Joe: Nothing. Some back alley action, I get my money, that's it.
Andy: You were seen leaving with this Smith guy.
Joe: OK. Fine. I left with him.
Andy: Didja do some pitching for the Majors for Smith?
Joe: Yeah. OK. Yeah, I did.
Andy: OK, so you're done rear-ending him...
Joe: Done rear-ending him, yeah.
Andy: And then what?
Joe: Nothing. I left.
Andy: I think you took one for the Gipper.
Joe: I did not!
Andy: I think you did.
Joe: No way!
Andy: I think he went in the back door. Or you grabbed his popo-
Joe: I did not grab his popo-
Andy: Well, there was some popo-grabbing-
Rick: Andy, will you lay off on the popo-grabbing? I believe you, man, you did not grab his popo.
Andy: I'll lay off on the popo-grabbing if he can explain why he did the Johnson-snipping.
Joe: I did not-
Andy: Right. You just filled your quota for the night.
Joe: Right. His quota, not mine.
Andy: OK, but when you were done riding Shamu the Whale-
Joe: I left.
Rick: Just left?
Andy: So why take his shoe? And how come there's his blood on your shoe?
Joe: (Thinking... slowly...)
Rick: Did things get kinda rough?
Joe: Well, yeah, he wanted some extra.
Andy: You mean like some touchy-feely downstairs?
Joe: No, I don't do that. That's for sissies. Spanking.
Andy: So you spanked him, then serviced him, then... where'd the blood come from?
Joe: I don't know.
They keep working on him (unfortunate expression) until he finally says to Rick, very seriously:
Joe: Look, I will spank you, I will give it to you, you can lick my feet, but you can not kiss me.
Rick: (long pause, looking at Joe) Who are you talking to, now?
Joe: Him. The trick.
Rick: OK. So you got this trick, Smith, and you tell him I'll do A and B to you, you can do Z to me-
Joe: Wait a minute, wait a minute, what's Z to me?
Rick: Z would be licking your feet.
Joe: OK, OK, you can do Z to me.
Rick: OK, so you can do Z to me, but not Q.
Joe: What's Q?
Rick: Kissing you.
Joe: Right.
Rick: So did you go into the consequences if he did Q to you?
Joe: No.
Rick: Go on.
Joe: So I'm all done, I got my money, I go clean up, and next thing I know this fat bastard comes up behind me and starts slobbering on me. What would you do?
Andy: Say no more (making a snipping motion. The guy nods, satisfied that his honour is intact.)
