Musings on "time off"

[ciroccoj]

It's nice to be back home. I did some cleaning this morning and then went to my mother's for most of the afternoon. Luckily I was able to get some work done for a couple of hours while she had a nap. And I'm getting acquainted with my Palm Pilot and its keyboard.

She seems to be doing a lot better. She's not nearly as nauseated, though she's still got no energy and has a headache a lot of the time.

I really wish I could just concentrate on being there for her instead of feeling slightly resentful. I was so desperately looking forward to having time to myself, time to just veg out in front of the TV, sleep in, and get all the stuff done that needs doing before the boys come back and life starts up full tilt again. I haven't had a full day away from my kids and the duties they impose on me since before Justin was born, when Daniel was almost three and I came to Ottawa for a weekend without him. And before that, I hadn't had a day off since the day he was born. That's almost seven years, with one weekend "off". And I'm an introvert; I was really, really looking forward to this time to myself.

However. Life sort of had other plans. So now I'm left feeling cheated of rest and simultaneously guilty for being so selfish when my own loss is nothing compared to the reason behind it.

My mom found out on Christmas Day that her cancer has come back. She asked Chris to tell me, and he told me on December 27, the day that she started treatment again. It's far more aggressive this time - they're going to basically kill off her bone marrow, then replace it. It should take about three months.

There's not much I can do for her, other than keep her company. So that's what I'm doing for most of my days, until school starts again. In between, I'm trying to get some readings done for class, and trying to clean up while I'm at home. Not exactly the rest I'd planned, but what the hell. Focus on priorities; my lost vegging time hardly compares to what my mom's going through.

One thing I feel no guilt about resenting is that I've become my aunt Dory's contact in Ottawa. Dory had cancer herself a few years ago, and dealt with it by talking obsessively. Go her; that's her coping strategy. However, my mother does not want to do that; it depresses her to talk about treatments and symptoms and prognoses.

And Dory does not get it. She calls and asks, in her own special abrasive manner, all sorts of questions that my mother doesn't want to answer, speculates about just how bad different things are going to be ("Oh, and when they give you the [insert drug name here] that's when you really feel like you'd be better off dead! Oh, Julia, it's awful, you just can't imagine - it's like nothing I've ever felt, just so, so bad!! You poor dear!!") and leaves my mother in tears.

We've all told her my mother absolutely cannot talk on the phone, to no avail. She wants to "help", so she keeps calling. So I've volunteered to be her contact, and let her know what's going on and when my mother will be well enough to talk to her. I'd estimate another five years ought to do it.

And I resent this, deeply, deeply, deeply. I'll be on the phone with her, thinking, "You BITCH!! Yes, you're worried about your sister and you're trying to deal with it, but WHY does dealing with it have to mean talking to me, her DAUGHTER, about how likely it is that she'll be dead soon? What's the MATTER with you?"

I don't say it, because it wouldn't do any good. She'd just go back to calling my mother. But I'm thinking it, and it's hard to keep a polite tone with her when what I most feel like doing is strangling her, long distance.

This also reminds me a liiittle too much about the time right after Chris' accident when his mother kept calling me for updates on his condition and reassurances about him. Because it's not like I had anything else to do, like visit him, deal with social workers and insurance people and doctors, and take care of the kids. I mean, obviously one of my duties, while my partner and the father of my children was lying in a trauma ward, was supposed to be reassuring his mother.

Gad. Gotta go read fic now; I've obviously not adequately "processed" my anger over this.

Comments

[jenniferjames.livejournal.com]

Don't beat yourself up; everything you are feeling is perfectly natural. Sending ::hugs:: ::good vibes:: and loads of ::prayers:: that you'll have the strength to face the days ahead. Will be keeping you in my thoughts.

Go you

[(Anonymous)]

"Process". Ah. Well, one method is to simply declare that while you will be there for her, you will also sleep in everyday and take from 5-9 as a break every evening.

Sure you need to be there for her. But you also need to tend yourself. Because all mothers are like a well. And if a well is not recharged, everyone goes thirsty. You owe it to your family, your mom, but most of all to you youself, to take time for you.

Sarah

[snarkhunter.livejournal.com]

I wish I had some wonderful words of comfort or support to offer, but I don't know what to say. So just know that I am thinking of you and of your mother, and I pray that she will recover, and that you will find time for yourself in the process.

[ex-senza930.livejournal.com]

::hugs::

[bast2.livejournal.com]

i'm sorry bad things seem to be dominoing in your life. i lost my mother to cancer--i know about the caretaker role. just remember to take care of yourself and your needs as well. i'm hoping that things will right themselves for you in the coming year. if anyone deserves happiness it is you.