reflections/snoitcelfer

[ciroccoj]

• Just picked up my cousin Ingrid. She's flown in all the way from Germany, leaving her husband and two kids, to be with my mom for about 1 1/2 weeks. I got to the airport mostly just thinking "I hope I remember where the arrival gate is" - I'm not real familiar with the hip new rebuilt Macdonald-Cartier International Airport. Then Ingrid arrived and we waved at each other, both very happy to see each other. I pretty sure it's been 8 years since I've seen her - at my wedding, actually.
  
  Anyway, she started down the steps and started to tear up and then I did too and then we were hugging and crying. And we just held each other for a long time, crying together while the other passengers found their waiting friends and families.
  
  I love my cousin, and I'm glad she's here. But all of a sudden I was reminded of why she's here, and that's not such a cheerful thought.
  
  
• The rest of today was dumb. Didn't really get much accomplished except for picking up Justin's glasses and getting some groceries. Oh, and the boys and I watched Men In Black with my mom. I don't think it's age-appropriate, but my mom wanted to watch it and the kids were curious and I knew they'd like it and what the hell. A bit too much violence and foul language, weighed against spending some nice time with grandma? I'll go with the nice time for now and leave the language worries for later. Like the next time Daniel tells somebody, "As of right now all your talents and knowledge mean precisely dick."
  
  
• Tomorrow Chris is on call, we'll be hanging out at my mom's again, Ingrid will get to meet Daniel and Justin, and hopefully my mom will be OK with all the activity. And if she's not, I can take the kids outside or to the park or read to them or something. I may take Justin home for a nap too, as he's been getting grumpier and grumpier the last few days.
  
  
• Canada Day yesterday... mostly nice, lots of walking. Spent some time with Amit and Jeea and Kiran, who is such a cutie (just turned 2). Justin, of course, was totally charmed by her. And it was nice to just hang out for a while. Talked with Amit and Jeea about how they're doing with his dad's death, and some about how we're coping with my mom's prognosis.
  
  It's weird, but I really never thought of how much this could mess you up, even as an adult. If I thought about it at all, I guess I just thought that since almost everybody goes through it eventually, it's not that traumatic. Of course, nearly every mother goes through childbirth too eventually, and I know that bloody well is traumatic. So I don't know how the illogic of "common = not traumatic" got into my brain.
  
  One thing that Jeea said really twigged something - she said that of course since Amit's an only child, that makes it more difficult. And she wasn't just spouting armchair psychobabble - her own father died several years ago, and I know that was very rough on her, but she had a sister and apparently that helped somewhat.
  
  So I thought about that later, about why being an only child might make a parent's death more difficult to deal with. I have lots of half-baked ideas, but nothing solid.
  
  I know that I feel like I've got a huge burden on me to help make my mom's last days as painless as possible. Which is silly, because there is a lot of help coming in from all sorts of people, but somehow it's not the same as my presence or my making her feel like... I don't know, like she didn't screw up raising me? Like she was a good mother, and therefore I can be a good daughter to her. And if I'm not, that'll be devastating because that'll be a 100% failure of her mothering or something.
  
  I also know I feel like I'm going to be orphaned - which is silly too. I still have my absentee father, for whatever that's worth. And I'm a grown woman, I have children of my own, this shouldn't be so traumatic. But I feel like I'm losing my childhood. The only person who knew me all the way from babyhood to now is disappearing, and I'll have nobody to tell "do you remember when" stories with. And I'm losing my mother's... 'motherhood' too, I guess, because there will be nobody left who will remember what she was like as a mother. Karen knows quite a bit, as do Amit and Karolyn, I suppose, but it's not the same.
  
  See, this is the kind of thing that keeps me physically quiet most of the day. Random loosely related thoughts buzzing about, mostly going nowhere fast.
  
  Anyway. Random thoughts aside, Canada Day was pretty good. Unfortunately I was pretty emotionally drained by the end of the day - Chris did his best, but he was in a bad mood and kept snapping at the kids, and it's always a bit tense when I feel like I have to keep stepping in. And it didn't help that Justin was rather whiny and difficult most of the day, either. Thank god the actual fireworks were a smashing success, because they cast a bright light on the memories of the rest of the day :)
  
  
• daf9 and medee6040: felicitations! (that's spelled almost the same in both official languages ;) Oh, and medee6040, Mr. Noth would like to know where and when this hot-tubage will occur. He's seen your 'vintage self' photo and is most pleased :)
  
  He is, however, rather sheepish about having forgotten your memorable night together as posted to the Virginity site. He humbly requests that you give him the chance to 'create new memories' with you soon.
  
  
• Well. Off to wake up Chris. We've been trying to watch the X-Files movie (Fight the Future) for about three nights now. Yesterday we made it all the way past the bee kiss before I conked out.

Comments

[daf9.livejournal.com]

When my mother died, I found it very comforting to have siblings. Partly because there was a lot to take care of and having different people take care of different parts of it certainly made it easier. Mostly though it was the emotional support. As you say it's a traumatic experience and it helps to be able to talk about it. And nobody is in as good a position as a sibling to share what you're going through since, unlike anyone else in the world, your siblings have shared most of your childhood recollections of your mother. Mind you, my siblings and I get along very well. It might be a different story if that wasn't the case.

[tudorlady.livejournal.com]

daf9 and medee6040: felicitations! (that's spelled almost the same in both official languages ;) Oh, and medee6040, Mr. Noth would like to know where and when this hot-tubage will occur. He's seen your 'vintage self' photo and is most pleased :)

He is, however, rather sheepish about having forgotten your memorable night together as posted to the Virginity site. He humbly requests that you give him the chance to 'create new memories' with you soon.

::snork:: Please pass on my greetings, and let Mr. N know that in appreciation for his - appreciation - of vintage portraiture, I have a completely correct repro 1905 bathing kit, which has *many* interesting buttons, hooks and laces, all of which I will require assistance with. As for the where and when, my people will get in touch with his people.

Okay, now, the serious stuff:
Sheesh, you are handling this awfully well. Man. I have some context on being orphaned, as you put it. It bites, badly, however it happens.

I know that I feel like I've got a huge burden on me to help make my mom's last days as painless as possible.

Unless she is the most unreasonable person on earth, she WILL NOT expect this. It's humanly impossible. To set yourself this task, and to weigh yourself by that criteria is only setting yourself up for heartbreak. Do only what you can - you have a life too. And let others help.

Be careful out there, okay?