nerves nerves nerves

[ciroccoj]

Frazzled doesn't even begin to describe how I'm feeling right about now. I want to be camping again. Permanently.

• Well, first and foremost there's my mom. It seems like she's getting weaker every day. She's now having trouble staying propped up without help. As in, she needs somebody to help her get up on one elbow, as she has for the last week, but now, you can't really let go once she's up, because she's too unstable. She's also sleeping more and more, and often lies with her eyes half-closed watching TV or listening to the rest of us talk. She's also getting bedsores.
  
  Anyway. Ingrid's here, which is good. And I visited with her for a while the other day, which was also very nice. But it's a little rough trying to visit with the kids because they're pretty loud, and often either Guy or my mom is sleeping, and they're just little kids who can't be expected to behave all the time.
  
  
• And my mother's getting rather confused about a lot of stuff, which means that I end up doing stuff for her that doesn't make sense, because what the hell, it'll make her happy and she can't possibly understand anymore what's reasonable to expect and what's not. Like today, for example. We got to her place and she wanted to know if I'd gotten the money she wanted transferred to our account. Well, no. So she asked if we could get that done today.
  
  Fine, sure, whatever. So downtown I go, with the kids, and I end up spending a lot of time with the kids sitting around in a couple of different banks, which of course are grippingly interesting to the kids. Not.
  
  Back to my mom's house, and now Guy's sleeping, so they're supposed to be quiet, which they don't do real well, so I finally end up having to haul them home because the alternative was killing them.
  
  
• And tonight Chris begins a week-long vacation. Which should be great, and I'd love to look forward to it as a break and think "No problem, I'll just leave the kids with Chris and go see my mom without interruptions."
  
  Except that Chris has been a real delight recently. Short-tempered and unreasonable with the kids. And I'm having difficulty getting him to back off once he starts down an unreasonable path, because while our normal modus operandi is for the in-control parent to quietly say, "Why don't you go take a break?" and the loony-parent to gratefully retreat, when Chris is like this, he can't even see that he's being unreasonable. So my quiet offer of a break gets shoved back with a "What?! I'm handling this just fine!!"
  
  So. I'm hoping that he's just frazzled because of work and my own frazzlement and that once he's at home full time I'll be able to trust that he'll be a grownup around our kids. Right now, it's not looking good.
  
  
• And tomorrow our friends Sarah and Reiner and their kids Sandra and Matthias are showing up to stay for a week, and I've been looking forward to this ever since they told us they'd be coming to Ottawa this summer, but now I'm more than a little nervous about it. Nervous that we'll be terrible hosts, that the kids won't get along, that I'll be torn between spending time with them and spending time with my mother and I won't be able to relax and know that Chris is being a good host/father in my absence and... anyway.
  
  
• And then my aunt Gilda's coming to visit. Gilda, whom I also love dearly, and whom I'd also love to spend time with, but on top of everything else... well.
  
  
• And there's rumours that aunt Dory will come too, for three days, and that my father will show up with my brothers. And I can't even begin to articulate what I feel about any of that.
  
  I was raised as an only child, OK? My brothers are from my father's second marriage. I was raised with plenty of alone-time, which was usually lonely-time, but not always. I need time to myself, to regroup and recharge. Time to myself is going to be in distressingly short supply until... I can't even imagine when. Makes me want to scream.
  
  What I most want to do in the whole wide world is go into the bush with my nuclear family, and emerge in... oh, a year oughtta do it.
  
  Wow. Thirteen minutes to type all of that in. Feeling a little better, breathing a little calmer.

Comments

[sangerin.livejournal.com]

~hugs~

The desire to disappear into the wilderness of camping sounds awfully logical to me.

[daf9.livejournal.com]

You are in an incredibly stressful situation right now and a few things are going to fall by the wayside. So all you can do is the best that you can and take what time you need to keep yourself going. Let your husband deal with the kids and the guests.

[ciroccoj.livejournal.com]

So all you can do is the best that you can and take what time you need to keep yourself going. Let your husband deal with the kids and the guests.

Yeaaah... but I feel like I can't relax and trust that everything's going OK, you know? Like I'm going to have to leave stuff to him, but I'll be a little nervous about it the whole time.

::shrug:: Well, hopefully being on vacation will help his mood. And mine. And the kids.

[umbo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

No wonder you're frazzled with all that's going on! I'm sorry you're in such a rough spot--not a good time for Chris to be being unreasonable, that's for sure.

Here's hoping the visit with the kids goes great and that Chris steps up to the plate and your mom is doing better and you have a chance to regroup.

*more hugs*

[ciroccoj.livejournal.com]

not a good time for Chris to be being unreasonable, that's for sure.

No, it's not. He's been wonderful for most of what's going on right now, but... because of his brain damage, it's hard for him to keep an even keel most of the time, never mind when everything is in turmoil. I'm just hoping that having only one thing to worry about (namely, the kids) will be helpful. And I hope he can destress a bit with our friends, and therefore be more patient with the kids.

::crossing fingers::