Thanksgiving

[ciroccoj]

Second Thanksgiving dinner in two days. Justin is delighted. Had part of an amazing 24-pound turkey last night at ninja_kat's house, and part of a 12-pounder today at our house. We weren't even going to make turkey this year at our house, but Justin was devastated at the thought of that so we bought one and invited people over (one of Chris' colleagues & her family, and Guy) and managed a Thanksgiving dinner of sorts.

It started off rather awful and had several low points, not the least of which was one in which both of our kids pitched screaming tantrums at the same time, and had to be hauled off to separate time-outs. I think it ended up OK, though. Daniel calmed down fairly quickly, and Justin... didn't, but spent enough time away from the rest of us that we managed a reasonably pleasant meal. And the two kids who were our guests today seemed to find him amusing, so that helped.

Justin has been in fine form the last two days - overly excited at the whole turkey thing, he's been excruciatingly loud, very rough, and completely unable to control himself. Yesterday one of the guests started to make jokes about not ever wanting kids himself, and standing in front of the microwave every chance he had, etc etc that really made me wish we could just decide once and for all to simply never let Justin out of the house again. I get so tired of the comments and jokes and raised eyebrows about his behaviour. We try firmness, we try talking, we try sympathizing, we try time-outs, we try yelling, we try meditation exercises, we read books, etc etc and nothing seems to work. His behaviour has improved in that he's no longer like this 24/7, but nothing seems to get him to behave like a human being and not a horrible little walking ad for contraception when one of these moods strikes.

I hate feeling the need to apologise to humanity at large for inflicting this horrible little brat on everybody. And yet I feel that need a lot.

I keep wondering what we're doing wrong with him. Then I keep rememebering that when he was a baby, after months and months of trying to figure out whether we were being too indulgent, too strict, too whatever and therefore causing his extraordinary clinginess, we finally found out that he had constant ear infections. He was in pain almost every single day. And of course he clung to me, and wanted to nurse all day long - nothing to do with his personality, it was just that nursing was the only thing that took the pain away.

And then when he was three, after almost two years of wondering why the ear tubes had helped curb his glue-like nature and constant need for nursing, but not brought him down to bearable behaviour, we found out he was nearly blind. And that once again, the behaviour had little to do with our child-rearing or his personality; he just couldn't see a damn thing and was afraid to get too far from us and lose us in the fog.

Anyway. This isn't turning out to be such a thankful entry. I'm not in a terribly thankful mood, I guess. I'm aware that intellectually, there is a lot to be thankful for, and I could probably list off the top of my head a large number of good things in our lives, that most people on the planet would be grateful for. But in a year that's included a hysterectomy, a death, and yet another marital plunge, it's hard to match the emotions with the objective reality that we've still got a lot of positive stuff going on.

OK. Taking a page from various self-help gurus and generations of platitudes about if you make yourself smile pretty soon you'll feel it inside or whatever, here's a list of what I'm thankful for this year, in no particular order:

• The kids; as tiresome as they can be, they're also literally the light of our lives a lot of the time
  
• School, for not sucking nearly as badly this year as it did last year
  
• Our general good health
  
• Today: a clean house, yummy turkey, stuffing, squash, cranberry sauce, salad, and pumpkin pies
  
• Weight loss (ironic to list this right under that last item)
  
• Daniel and Justin's teachers
  
• Harmonia Choir, for giving me something to do separate from everything else on Wednesday nights
  
• Homeschooling Family Choir, for giving me and Daniel something to do on home schooling Fridays, and giving me an incentive to teach the kids music
  
• Our marriage counselor
  
• My mom's presence for the first few years of the kids' lives
  
• Guy's continued presence in our lives
  
• ninja_kat, Scott, and Karolyn
  
• Todd, Susan, Turtle and Zany
  
• Sarah, Rainer, Sandra and Matthias
  
• Our extended family and friends
  
• All of you
  
• H:LOTS, LOTR & L&O DVDs for visual brain-candy
  
• Gonna go off and be thankful to one of the above right now, as a matter of fact :)

Comments

Concerning Justin

[leaper182.livejournal.com]

When you say that he's nearly blind, does he wear coke-bottle glasses, or is it worse than that?

Personally, I was going to recommend that you try (if you have the time, energy and money) to enroll him at a martial arts dojo. I was fairly shy myself before starting my training, and with the structure, he could most likely be with kids his own age, and be able to channel that semi-destructive energy into punching or kicking in an environment where it's okay to be physical. The added bonus is that if he understands the mental discipline side of things, he might be able to exert some self-control.

Okay, so my problem was more shyness around others, and learning Tae Kwon Do helped me to feel confident in myself in an area where I could excel and there was a visible sign of it that I could show to others (how exactly does one excel at writing unless there's feedback, and really, how often do fanfic writers get feedback for their stuff?). So, my experience deviates from Justin's in that respect, but I figured that if nothing else, he'll be able to run around and yell and it's in a controlled environment with a master nearby.

Then again, I could just be talking out of my ass, and should scamper away and be a very, very quiet hamster...

Re: Concerning Justin

[lonejaguar.livejournal.com]

I agree with this too, if it helps. One of my best friend's brother is legally blind and has been his entire life. When he was in high school, he used a little telescope sort of thing to look at the blackboard during classes. But he started into Kenpo Karate when he was quite small and was always very confident in himself for as long as I've known him (going on 118 years) - to the point now he's a black belt and owns his own martial arts school in town.

The mental discipline involved in any martial art may help Justin. I know even though I was in karate over 10 years ago, I still remember "the rules."

Re: Concerning Justin

[ciroccoj.livejournal.com]

The mental discipline involved in any martial art may help Justin.

Yeah, they probably could. We've discussed it various times and decided against it for a number of reasons, but it's never a "no-how-no-way" kind of thing, just mostly a "not right now because of X, Y, and Z."

I think ballet could give him some of that mental discipline and self-control, if he sticks with it. At this stage, they're mostly just running around in leotards. Then again at this age, most martial arts consist of just running around in a gi, so who knows ;)

Re: Concerning Justin

[leaper182.livejournal.com]

Oh. There is that.

::facepaw::

Still, it's nice to know I can come up with a good idea every now and again.

^____________^

Re: Concerning Justin

[ciroccoj.livejournal.com]

does he wear coke-bottle glasses

Yeah, or at least the modern thin equivalent of them.

enroll him at a martial arts dojo.

We've thought about doing that, and the idea has a lot of merit - basically, everything you just listed ;) But the downsides are that (a) we're just about at our limit in terms of family activities during the week and (b) we tried that with Daniel, and... well... it was good, but there were difficulties. Chief among them was the fact that he started to do his karate on other kids. Even though he became calmer and more focussed during the time he was going to karate, we finally pulled him out because of his attacks on other kids. Nothing too bad happened, but then again, Daniel was/is small for his age. Justin is a behemoth, and already prone to resorting to force to resolve conflicts.

The idea is a good one, though, and one that remains in our possible field of alternatives. No, you're not talking out of your ass ;)

[umbo.livejournal.com]

You're a good mom. I'm sorry things were rough with Justin over the holiday, but I'm glad you're still able to find the positives--you're an incredibly strong person, and beyond the fact that I like you, I admire you.

*hugs*, and Happy Thanksgiving!

[ciroccoj.livejournal.com]

*hugs*, and Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanks, and *hugs* back :)

[tobiascharity.livejournal.com]

*hugs* and I'm thankful for *you*.

regarding Justin, reading about him reminds me a lot of myself as a kid, right down to the clinginess due to ear infections and lack of sight. It's actually a little unnerving, because now I know how my parents felt. So, so, so many *hugs* for you and Chris and for both the kidlets, as well. As said above, I'm thankful that you're in my life, even if it's only LJ. LJ is life, man! *laughing*

Happy Thanksgiving.

[ciroccoj.livejournal.com]

It's actually a little unnerving, because now I know how my parents felt.

That's one of the most unnerving things about being a parent, IMHO - the whole, "Oh, THAT'S why!" aspect of it as previously incomprehensible actions on the part of your parents suddenly become clear when you get to be on the other side of the issue.

Mind you, that is often offset by "And I STILL think I was right!" moments ;)

LJ is life, man!

And life is LJ. And that's a rather bizarre notion ;)

Thanks, TC.

[tudorlady.livejournal.com]

Sweetie, what you're talking about is what makes you so NOT like the parents people like me complain about. You try. You actually realize that kids aren't just "expressing" their ickle selves, and you actually expect them to act like human beings to the extent that they can. Even the crankiest of CFs knows when a parent is trying (unless that CF is a complete asshole. I actually met one CF asshole and two CF Complete Morons this summer, and I'm still in shock). Holidays suck majorly when you're a kid. All kinds of things to get you excited and wound up, and then... well. You know. It's tough.

He's the little one with the glasses, right? (Okay, call me a jerk, but I think of him as "the cute(r) one".) He's pretty little. I think what Leap said isn't a bad idea - unless his vision prevents it, some kind of sport that requires a lot of mental discipline (I'd suggest horseback riding, but you'd kill me!) might help channel things. Maybe people who aren't parents are closer to remembering what it was like to be a kid... for me riding was *very* therapeutic before anyone even thought of putting disabled or mentally ill kids on horses. I'm convinced it got me through some very rough patches. So... maybe riding lessons aren't out of the question, if he likes horses.

P.S. My parents found out how nearsighted I was when I started learning to jump. My timing was off because I couldn't see the jump very well until I was close, and had NO depth perception (so I started falling off a lot). I guess until then I just thought that *everything* was supposed to look like an impressionist painting.

Oh yeah! And I'm really thankful you answered my fan letter last fall, eh? Look what you started!

[ciroccoj.livejournal.com]

I actually met one CF asshole and two CF Complete Morons this summer, and I'm still in shock

Oh, I've met many many many. They're ever so much more vocal than regular CF folks. I've heard everything from "Why doesn't she just give the kid the *&%$ing candy and shut him up" to "What that child needs is a good firm spanking"... re. my teething 6-month-old.

I think of him as "the cute(r) one".)

Hee - yeah, he's pretty cute :)

So... maybe riding lessons aren't out of the question, if he likes horses.

Actually, that's a good idea. Hadn't thought of it before because it was so completely out of our budget, but we're finding that the damn insurance money which I still resent is coming in handy when considering budget-related issues.

I guess until then I just thought that *everything* was supposed to look like an impressionist painting.

Oh, ouch. I keep wondering what the heck Justin's world looked like before the glasses, and... yeah. Don't really want to go there.

And I'm really thankful you answered my fan letter last fall, eh?

Me too :)

[jenniferjames.livejournal.com]

We try firmness, we try talking, we try sympathizing, we try time-outs, we try yelling, we try meditation exercises, we read books, etc etc and nothing seems to work.

What does Justin's pediatrician think? Has he been tested for ADHD? It sounds like you've done (and continue to do) everything you can do. Maybe it's time to consider outside intervention...

Signed,
Childless (and probably clueless, but well intentioned) in the Lone Star state

::hugs:: to you all

[ciroccoj.livejournal.com]

What does Justin's pediatrician think? Has he been tested for ADHD?

The pros around Justin (teachers, day care & babysitting caregivers, family doc) all think he's just fine - "high energy" comes up a lot, but not ADHD. Which, on the one hand, is comforting because you'd think they'd know what they're talking about. OTOH... well, at least if we had a label, we might be able to get help.

Childless (and probably clueless, but well intentioned)

LOL no, not clueless, IMHO :D :D

[snarkhunter.livejournal.com]

I don't feel qualified to offer suggestions, as I have never raised a child, and was a relatively healthy (despite severe ear infections) and easy-going child...but I will say again that Justin reminds me very, very much of my cousin Tyler, who was completely out-of-control for the first few years of his life. My aunt and uncle tried many of the same discipline methods that you and Chris use, and he was still wild beyond belief.

Fourteen years later, he's a charming, polite, and extremely intelligent young man who is considering joining the Air Force when he finishes high school this spring.

I know that's not helpful, really, because Justin is still so young and still so difficult, but I guess it's just to say that with parents like you two and with time, he will turn out to be a good person. I'm sure of it.

And, even though it's not my thanksgiving, I will say that I am thankful for you and for the way in which you quietly demonstrate strength. ::hugs::

[ciroccoj.livejournal.com]

Fourteen years later, he's a charming, polite, and extremely intelligent young man who

:) I try to keep up my spirits by reminding myself that Daniel was incredibly difficult too - really, really defiant and deliberately disobedient. And now he still has problems paying attention and remembering rules, but the defiance is gone. But some days... looking at Daniel doesn't help much, because they're so different from each other.

And *hugs* back to you. You often remind me of how thankful I am to have made friends like you on lj :)

[ninja-kat.livejournal.com]

Oh wow, where do I start?

Scott and I were thrilled that you all could make it to our Turkey dinner. _All_ of you. :) And for bringing yummy vegetarian gravy. :)

Let me also say that while I recognize how "high-energy" the boys are - they are incredibly special little people - I can't imagine them any other way and I think you and Chris are doing a great job. :)

Given all that Justin has been through with his ears and eyes, I think it is a testament to you and Chris that he is as cuddly and sweet as he is. (Daniel too!) Everyone commented on how sweet it was that Justin went around and kissed everyone. Awwww!!! And while Justin tends to laugh loud, I have long thought that he has the most infectious, genuine, heartfelt, belly laugh of anyone I know. :)

In all fairness, I should explain the microwave-sterilization comment had nothing to do with Justin or Daniel. It has to do with a child-phobia that both Rob&Alyssa have long expressed that has since been strongly contradicted by how much they _adore_ their 1-year-old nephew. The entire karate group has been ribbing them about impending parenthood since their recent marriage this past June. The microwave reference was more of a methinks-he-doth-protest-too-much-type comment.

And to follow on all the martial arts (I'm not called ninja_kat for nothin;) and riding (I miss playing with horsies!) comments - please know that I am more than happy to talk to you about exploring those possibilities - and/or participating (and even the other one - boing-boing!- that Scott and I mentioned) if you are interested. :) Anytime. Just let me know.

[ciroccoj.livejournal.com]

he has the most infectious, genuine, heartfelt, belly laugh of anyone I know. :)

I guess so - I'm usually wincing at the volume, but it does come from deep inside :)

other one - boing-boing!- that Scott and I mentioned

Actually, I really liked the idea - and I could well imagine both kids being totally thrilled. Chris is on call this weekend, so I'm not sure anything social is going to happen, but yeah, definitely let me know when you guys are going and I'll see about taking the boys too so they can take a look. I think you said Sundays? Or was that something else?

[ninja-kat.livejournal.com]

Our regularly scheduled class is Sundays at 11 am. There is a class beforehand,from 10-11, if the boys would like to show up early to watch.

...rushing back to work, work, work...

[bear.livejournal.com]

I'm incredibly late replying, so ::points upward:: everything they said.

And in case you needed one more personal anecdote -- I lived with my aunt and three-year-old cousin in the summer of 2000, and he reminds me a lot of how you describe Justin -- smart and destructive and exhaustively full of energy and impossible to discipline. Four years later, he's still energetic, but he's much, much better at dealing with things like sitting still and playing nicely with other kids. And also not destroying things as much, which my aunt appreciates.

For whatever that's worth. Which may not be a whole lot. :)