ciroccoj | I've created a monster

I’m seeing things. That’s what it is.

And I know why I’m seeing things, too. It’s because my confidence as a detective is shot.

I mean, I’ve always been good at reading people. You have to be, if you’re a cop. It’s your stock-in-trade, the ability to notice from subtle cues what somebody’s thinking or feeling. I’ve always been good at doing that with witnesses and suspects, and very, very good at doing it with my partners.

You spend that much time with a guy, rely on him to watch your back, you gotta know what makes him tick. And I always have. As far back as Reds Carpenter when I was in uniform, a million years ago. I mean, I knew what Reds was going to say before Reds did. And that skill didn’t fade with age.

Take my last two partners. Mike Logan, Exhibit A. I knew the secret smile Mike had when he got lucky the night before, I knew the squint of his eyes when he was bugged by a case, I knew when one of his many pick-ups had gotten clingy.

Rey Curtis – another open book. I knew when he was doing a slow burn with a suspect and I’d have to step in or risk losing both our badges. By the end I even knew, from his body language and his silences, how his wife was doing on any given day. I knew he was gonna transfer to a desk before he did.

So here’s me and Ed Green. I think I know him. I’ve noticed a gambling habit, I know when to leave him alone with witnesses and when not to, I know when his temper is gonna get him in trouble.

So how come I go through four years without cluing in that he’s gay?

You can see why this bothers me. And you can probably see why I don’t know any more whether what I’m seeing is really there, or whether I’m just so eager to not miss anything that I see what isn’t there. I confused the hell outta myself just with that sentence.

What am I talking about, exactly? Well… here’s where I feel like an idiot. Because I know he has a… boyfriend, and I know they had some sorta fight. I’ve picked up that things are tense. As for why they’re tense, that’s a little tougher, because of course Ed’s not gonna open up about it. But…

See, we work with this one EADA fairly frequently. Jack McCoy. And I know McCoy’s a ladies’ man – his rep is almost as widely known as Mike’s. Ed knows that. But I’ve started to notice things from Ed. Very close attention to McCoy when we’re doing witness prep. A wide smile, quickly covered, when McCoy calls us. A different tone to his voice when he says McCoy’s name.

And here’s the really dumb part… damned if I haven’t started to notice the same kind of signs from McCoy. Towards Ed.