Bundles of Joy
Jan. 4th, 2006 06:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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tudorlady:
Bundles Of ... Misery
Parenting Got You Down? You're Not Alone, Says Study
By Elizabeth Agnvall
Special to The Washington Post
Tuesday, January 3, 2006; Page HE01
Just as we're taking down the tree, organizing the new toys and stepping onto the scale comes a study finding that may make us wonder why we do it all: Parents are more likely to be depressed than people who do not have children.
Published last month in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior, the study of 13,000 U.S. adults found that parents, from those with young children to empty nesters, reported being more miserable than non-parents. The researchers analyzed data from a national survey of families and households that asked respondents how many times in the past week, for example, they felt sad, distracted or depressed.
Unlike earlier studies, this one found moms and dads equally unhappy.
So: After all the sleepless nights and drowsy mornings, the cycles of feeding and throwing up, the American Girl doll accessories bought on credit, the toothpick models of the solar system and the algebra tutors ... we would have been happier without it all?
In a word, says study author Robin Simon, an associate professor of sociology at Florida State University, yes.
"Parents don't do as well as non-parents," she said.
Simon's own kids -- she has an adult daughter and a teenage son -- were unimpressed by the study results. "They're like 'Whatever,' " she said.
For her part, Simon felt oddly cheered: "It's validating and consoling to know that you're not alone."
But how can the findings stand? Politics, culture and history -- to say nothing of those annoying Baby Gap ads -- all reinforce the message that having children is the greatest pleasure in life.
Michael Lewis, professor of pediatrics and psychiatry and director of the Institute for the Study of Child Development at the Robert Wood Johnson Medical School in New Brunswick, N.J., says that the idea of parenthood as pure joy "was always a bit of a wonderful myth." He said he's surprised the study findings were not even more negative.
Over the last 150 years, he said, children have moved from being an economic advantage to an economic burden in the United States. We used to be able to send children to work in the fields; older kids tended to the babies. When not pressed into service, they mostly stayed out of the way.
With the advent of Dr. Spock, the parenting industry, obligatory music and soccer lessons and a colossal marketplace that propels kids to desire and parents to guilt, children have become the center of the household.
Consider the "Mom's Letter to Santa" e-mail that went zapping around just before Christmas: the mom is hiding in the laundry room using a crayon to write her wish list on the back of a receipt while the laundry is between cycles: She wants a car with fingerprint-resistant windows, a radio that plays only adult music, a television that won't broadcast programs with talking animals and a place where she can talk on the phone in peace.
"It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family," she writes to St. Nick.
It's Not You -- Really
Lewis himself has somehow worked through all of this with his four kids.
While he's sure he had the messiest children in town -- he once found the skeleton of a decayed mouse under his son's bed -- he's raised a doctor and a lawyer. One child is in college and the fourth is in high school.
Still, he notes, even when children are doing well, "there are always issues to deal with. One hopes that it gets better. Parenting is never done. It's an endless task. Lots of pleasure, but a lot of pain."
His advice: If life as a parent leaves you gloomy, realize that it's not you. It's your . . . situation.
"Don't think you are crazy" for feeling low, he said. This study shows that "lots of people are feeling the same way."
Meredith Small, a Cornell University anthropologist and author of "Kids: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Raise Our Children," sees cultural forces conspiring to make life lousy for parents.
"Western culture is the worst place to be if you want to be a parent," she says. "If you look at any other culture, people would think that this is nutty."
She said parents have never been as alone as they are in the United States today. In places like India, lots of people sleep in one big house. When the baby wakes up at 2 a.m., six people are available to help. Higher birth rates mean there are older children to take care of the younger ones. Worldwide, she says, 90 percent of child care is done by other children.
Even in many European countries, things are better; working mothers -- and sometimes fathers -- are paid a portion of their salaries to stay home during the first year or more with their young children. Parents get six weeks of vacation and extra time off to take care of sick kids. Good child care is subsidized by the government. College and graduate schools are paid for by the government.
Here, Small said, nuclear families aren't large enough. "Parents are tired, they are overworked, they are extended, they are irritated and they've got nobody to help them."
A Dissenting Voice
So short of sending the kids back into the fields, having more babies, inviting the neighbors to live with us or charging the kids rent, what's an overwhelmed parent to do?
Family therapist Neil Bernstein, who has offices in the District and Virginia, offers this simple advice: "Get a life."
For the record, he doesn't necessarily accept the study's conclusion that people with children are more depressed. Still, "What parents need to know and should take away from this is that it's important to look after your own mental health, not to live vicariously through your child," he said.
People should have their own interests and look after their relationships the same way they look after their children. And if it all seems too overwhelming, it's worth seeking help from a professional.
"Being a good parent does not mean being totally absorbed in your children," he said.
Bernstein, who has been treating Washington area children and families for 25 years and has grown children, cites his own experience.
"Not only did parenting not make me depressed, but it was without question the happiest years of my life," he says. "I wouldn't trade them for anything, and I couldn't imagine being anywhere near as comfortable or happy with myself had I not been a parent."
And for those who have chosen not to have children? Simon said her study validates that their choice might just be the healthiest one of all.
"At least if you're going to do it," she says to those contemplating parenthood, "know what you're getting into."
Elizabeth Agnvall is a regular contributor to the Health section. E-mail:health@washpost.com
Link to the article: Bundles Of ... Misery
I dunno, I have to say a lot of it seems pretty simple - and simplistic - to me. It just really underscores my perpetual bafflement at people who believe everybody should have kids because, well, everybody just should. Why, for the love of god, if you don't really, really want to?
Had to shake my head at some of the comments, though - primarily the "get a life" part. Yeah, it's true that many people just put their heads down and refuse to look up long enough to realize that their double-income, 50-hour workweek, plus soccer and baseball and piano and ballet and Cubs and Guides and PTA and hockey and swimming, isn't making anybody happy. But you know what? Some people who don't "get a life"? Actually can't. Making sure you make time for yourself and your own interests and marriage and adult actualization is a hell of a lot easier when you're married and have the means to do so than when you're a single parent on social assistance.
And some of the people who do make sure they keep their own interests and don't allow their child to take over their lives? Probably shouldn't have had children in the first place. 'Cause if your beauty sleep and perfect home and child-free holidays and hip lifestyle are really the most important things in your life... why screw with that?
Well. With that, I'm off to choir!
tudorlady: Bundles Of ... Misery
Parenting Got You Down? You're Not Alone, Says Study
By Elizabeth Agnvall
Special to The Washington Post
Tuesday, January 3, 2006; Page HE01
Just as we're taking down the tree, organizing the new toys and stepping onto the scale comes a study finding that may make us wonder why we do it all: Parents are more likely to be depressed than people who do not have children.
Published last month in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior, the study of 13,000 U.S. adults found that parents, from those with young children to empty nesters, reported being more miserable than non-parents. The researchers analyzed data from a national survey of families and households that asked respondents how many times in the past week, for example, they felt sad, distracted or depressed.
Unlike earlier studies, this one found moms and dads equally unhappy.
So: After all the sleepless nights and drowsy mornings, the cycles of feeding and throwing up, the American Girl doll accessories bought on credit, the toothpick models of the solar system and the algebra tutors ... we would have been happier without it all?
In a word, says study author Robin Simon, an associate professor of sociology at Florida State University, yes.
"Parents don't do as well as non-parents," she said.
Simon's own kids -- she has an adult daughter and a teenage son -- were unimpressed by the study results. "They're like 'Whatever,' " she said.
For her part, Simon felt oddly cheered: "It's validating and consoling to know that you're not alone."
But how can the findings stand? Politics, culture and history -- to say nothing of those annoying Baby Gap ads -- all reinforce the message that having children is the greatest pleasure in life.
Michael Lewis, professor of pediatrics and psychiatry and director of the Institute for the Study of Child Development at the Robert Wood Johnson Medical School in New Brunswick, N.J., says that the idea of parenthood as pure joy "was always a bit of a wonderful myth." He said he's surprised the study findings were not even more negative.
Over the last 150 years, he said, children have moved from being an economic advantage to an economic burden in the United States. We used to be able to send children to work in the fields; older kids tended to the babies. When not pressed into service, they mostly stayed out of the way.
With the advent of Dr. Spock, the parenting industry, obligatory music and soccer lessons and a colossal marketplace that propels kids to desire and parents to guilt, children have become the center of the household.
Consider the "Mom's Letter to Santa" e-mail that went zapping around just before Christmas: the mom is hiding in the laundry room using a crayon to write her wish list on the back of a receipt while the laundry is between cycles: She wants a car with fingerprint-resistant windows, a radio that plays only adult music, a television that won't broadcast programs with talking animals and a place where she can talk on the phone in peace.
"It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family," she writes to St. Nick.
It's Not You -- Really
Lewis himself has somehow worked through all of this with his four kids.
While he's sure he had the messiest children in town -- he once found the skeleton of a decayed mouse under his son's bed -- he's raised a doctor and a lawyer. One child is in college and the fourth is in high school.
Still, he notes, even when children are doing well, "there are always issues to deal with. One hopes that it gets better. Parenting is never done. It's an endless task. Lots of pleasure, but a lot of pain."
His advice: If life as a parent leaves you gloomy, realize that it's not you. It's your . . . situation.
"Don't think you are crazy" for feeling low, he said. This study shows that "lots of people are feeling the same way."
Meredith Small, a Cornell University anthropologist and author of "Kids: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Raise Our Children," sees cultural forces conspiring to make life lousy for parents.
"Western culture is the worst place to be if you want to be a parent," she says. "If you look at any other culture, people would think that this is nutty."
She said parents have never been as alone as they are in the United States today. In places like India, lots of people sleep in one big house. When the baby wakes up at 2 a.m., six people are available to help. Higher birth rates mean there are older children to take care of the younger ones. Worldwide, she says, 90 percent of child care is done by other children.
Even in many European countries, things are better; working mothers -- and sometimes fathers -- are paid a portion of their salaries to stay home during the first year or more with their young children. Parents get six weeks of vacation and extra time off to take care of sick kids. Good child care is subsidized by the government. College and graduate schools are paid for by the government.
Here, Small said, nuclear families aren't large enough. "Parents are tired, they are overworked, they are extended, they are irritated and they've got nobody to help them."
A Dissenting Voice
So short of sending the kids back into the fields, having more babies, inviting the neighbors to live with us or charging the kids rent, what's an overwhelmed parent to do?
Family therapist Neil Bernstein, who has offices in the District and Virginia, offers this simple advice: "Get a life."
For the record, he doesn't necessarily accept the study's conclusion that people with children are more depressed. Still, "What parents need to know and should take away from this is that it's important to look after your own mental health, not to live vicariously through your child," he said.
People should have their own interests and look after their relationships the same way they look after their children. And if it all seems too overwhelming, it's worth seeking help from a professional.
"Being a good parent does not mean being totally absorbed in your children," he said.
Bernstein, who has been treating Washington area children and families for 25 years and has grown children, cites his own experience.
"Not only did parenting not make me depressed, but it was without question the happiest years of my life," he says. "I wouldn't trade them for anything, and I couldn't imagine being anywhere near as comfortable or happy with myself had I not been a parent."
And for those who have chosen not to have children? Simon said her study validates that their choice might just be the healthiest one of all.
"At least if you're going to do it," she says to those contemplating parenthood, "know what you're getting into."
Elizabeth Agnvall is a regular contributor to the Health section. E-mail:health@washpost.com
Link to the article: Bundles Of ... Misery
I dunno, I have to say a lot of it seems pretty simple - and simplistic - to me. It just really underscores my perpetual bafflement at people who believe everybody should have kids because, well, everybody just should. Why, for the love of god, if you don't really, really want to?
Had to shake my head at some of the comments, though - primarily the "get a life" part. Yeah, it's true that many people just put their heads down and refuse to look up long enough to realize that their double-income, 50-hour workweek, plus soccer and baseball and piano and ballet and Cubs and Guides and PTA and hockey and swimming, isn't making anybody happy. But you know what? Some people who don't "get a life"? Actually can't. Making sure you make time for yourself and your own interests and marriage and adult actualization is a hell of a lot easier when you're married and have the means to do so than when you're a single parent on social assistance.
And some of the people who do make sure they keep their own interests and don't allow their child to take over their lives? Probably shouldn't have had children in the first place. 'Cause if your beauty sleep and perfect home and child-free holidays and hip lifestyle are really the most important things in your life... why screw with that?
Well. With that, I'm off to choir!
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no subject
Date: 2006-01-05 12:11 am (UTC)*laughs bitterly* Yeah, I'll look into that, in my copious spare time.
no subject
Date: 2006-01-05 04:40 am (UTC)what the hell? they have no memory of themselves being one of those "squalling, snotnosed, pissy pants" kids that someone had to put up with ?
sometimes i wish THEIR parents had been child free.
no subject
Date: 2006-01-05 05:14 am (UTC)I was a kid once, but I was also raised properly. If I'd pulled some of the crap that today's kids do in public, it would not have been pretty. But it seems like some - not *all* - parents can't be bothered with discipline anymore, and the rest of the world can just shut up and deal with Screaming Susie. *That's* what pisses CF folks off more than anything.
Vitriolic? Nah, just passionate.
no subject
Date: 2006-01-05 05:57 am (UTC)Mm... yeah, maybe... but it still hurts. Quite a bit.
I know comments like that (yours or any other CF person's) are not meant as a personal attack on me. But they remind me, frequently, that when my own little darlings are misbehaving in public, or being too loud, or simply breathing, there are plenty of people looking at me and rolling their eyes and mentally calling me an incompetent bitch and a moo and a cow. And it doesn't really matter what I'm doing to deal with the misbehaviour, because if the misbehaviour is happening, it's because I did something wrong. Even if that wrong thing is merely the act of having spawned, or having gone out in public with my offensive sprog/crotchfruit. I've had people make loud remarks about "these damned spoiled kids" when my kids were crying because they were teething, or had ear infections.
God knows there's a lot of crappy parents out there, who are enough to raise anyone's ire. But I think what hurts the most with the name calling and passion seen in some CF postings/comments is the hatred, and the sense that people out there seem to feel that the only reason I (and other moos and duhs) have kids/take them shopping/refuse to give them candy when they scream for it/allow them to spit up/nurse them in public is so that we can piss off the rest of the world. That... hurts. Pretty deep.
no subject
Date: 2006-01-05 07:36 am (UTC)But, at the same time, I can't apologize for how I feel (and wouldn't expect you to, either). I wish I could, because I don't like hurting or offending people that I care about. It's not so much the fact that other people have children that we hate, but that our decision *not* to procreate is commonly questioned and often ridiculed. That's where the passion comes from.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that *you* know that you're a good parent, and that you're raising good children - and that's all that matters. This probably sounds patronizing, and for that I'm sorry, but I don't think you should give a rat's ass about what CF folks (or anyone else) might be thinking. Easier said than done, I know - I'm a sensitive person myself. But it's my best advice. : )
no subject
Date: 2006-01-05 02:18 pm (UTC)I'll move the rest of this off-lj, because there's stuff I disagree with - namely, that most sane CF people give parents credit for trying. I don't think it has anything to do with sanity, just with understanding what "trying" entails. I'm sure a lot of people who've glared at me or made rude comments were otherwise perfectly sane and nice people; they just had no way of knowing that I wasn't sitting around trying to piss them off.
Anyway. There's more, but like I said, I'll move this to e-mail when I get a few spare moments. But for now, ::hugs:: Thanks, sweetie.
no subject
Date: 2006-01-05 06:57 pm (UTC)To me, "trying" entails trying to actually curb a child's bad behaviour in public - even if it doesn't work (because, of course, kids don't always cooperate), it's the *effort* that matters. As opposed to those who just ignore bad behaviour and expect everyone else to just deal with it.
Of course, there are those who would just like children to just be banned from society - that's what I meant by sanity, but "unreasonable" is a better term. (eg. the people who go to McDonald's and complain about noisy kids. Hello - it's not a grown-up restaurant.) I personally think that's nuts, because as much as I vent on the subject, I can't expect the rest of the world to change to accommodate *me*.
::hugs back::
Replying to bast2
Date: 2006-01-05 03:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-06 02:25 am (UTC)That isn't about you. You *know* the difference between reasonable behavior and "Kayleiaghhh expressing herself". You don't take a cross toddler into a (normally) adult venue (i.e., an R movie after 10 pm), and when one of your kids misbehaves, you do something about it.
Reasonable CFs just want to be able to do things in peace, and get parity in terms of work and social benefits/opportunities. We don't expect that there will be no kids at Disneyworld, just that we're not treated to screaming meltdown in the grocery store while mum smiles benignly, coos and does nothing. Or that we're taxed to death while we are smaller consumers of services.
The thing is, being a parent is the default setting, just like being straight is. Parents who claim to be persecuted or shortchanged remind me a great deal of middle class white Christian types who claim *they're* being persecuted. There is a subset of supposed CF types who are really nasty. You'll notice that they're mostly under 25 - frankly, I'm convinced most of those are 'trying on' CF in order to try to piss off their parents (and others). They're immature little fuckheads, and dangerously close to the whining toddlers that they claim to hate. (Venting is another story, but 'venting' isn't 24/7.)
The rest of us - just want to know that when we invite friends to a party, they don't assume it means 'bring the kids' when the party starts at 8; be able to go about our business in peace; and not have it assumed that everything centers around kids. It's not an active dislike, it's just a complete lack of interest (for which I've been called every name in the book).