ciroccoj | Interview With The Characters.

OK, here's

cassatt's questions to my characters. And their answers back. Thanks, Cassatt!

1. Rey, in "Burden", if you could say anything at all to Deborah, other than "I'm sorry", what would you say? And what do you want, at this point, since you can't have the wife you used to have?

::long pause:: What else can I say? Other than I'm sorry? There's nothing to say. I wish I could tell her I love her, but it wouldn't mean anything to her. It's just words if you don't act them. And I don't. I treat her like crap, even when I'm not cheating on her.

I guess... I wish I could come clean about that, at least. But I can't. She - she'd be too proud to stay, and she'd leave me and lose the girls. I can't do that to her. She's suffered enough already.

What do I want? I... I just wanna be able to take care of her and treat her the way I should. Father Morelli says I should be able to accept what God's sent us and be grateful she's still alive, instead of wishing she was still healthy. I guess that's what I want - to be able to accept things the way they are.

2. Rey, in "Burden," when was the last time you had been to see a priest for confession? Do you still go to church regularly? Why or why not? How do you see your relationship with God right now? You pray to Him for help, but do you still believe He'll give it?

I go to confession every week. I used to just go out of habit, but now... I've got a lot to confess. And I, I talk to my priest about, you know... what's going on. He... he says that God can still forgive me. He says with God's help I can still turn things around, start doing what I'm supposed to do instead of fucking up all the time, but... I don't know. It's hard to believe him.

I pray every day. I have to, there's nothing else I can do. God hasn't answered me for a long time, though. Maybe... maybe it's because I don't deserve His help any more. I don't know.

3. Deborah, in "Burden," if you could say anything at all to Rey, what would it be? What about your children? What would you say to them? What do you want from Rey right now? For Rey?

If I could say one thing to him? ::long pause:: I'd tell him I know what he does on those Friday nights, and I don't blame him. I can see the guilt in his eyes when he looks at me. I wish I could take that guilt away - I know what it does to him. But he'd be devastated if he found out that I know. Rey doesn't... he doesn't see that he's doing his best, that he can't do more than he's doing. And I'm not the person to tell him that, not any more. We fight so much, we both get so angry at each other. I wish I could tell him I love him, but I don't think he'd believe me any more.

The girls... I wish I could make Serena understand that Rey's doing his best. Olivia and Isabel understand, but Serena... she's so angry at him, all the time. She breaks his heart - and mine too. Things are already so hard for us, and she makes them so much worse. And I know Rey even blames himself for that.

What I want from Rey? I wish... sometimes I wish he could hold me close and we could... I wish we could go back to how we were. But we can't.

What I want for Rey? I just want him to be happy. He's so exhausted, all the time - I don't even remember the last time I saw him smile. I don't know if he ever will again, until I'm gone. I can't be a real wife to him any more, all I am is just another burden to him. I... I guess I wish he could find somebody else. Somebody who could take care of him for a change. Somebody who could make him smile again.

4. Lennie, in "Stakeout," why did you call Rey from the hospital, after the accident? Were you upset when you couldn't reach him?

Uh... that's a tough one. I don't really remember that night real well. I kinda wondered myself, how come I called Rey instead of some other buddies of mine. I was pretty drunk and I guess he's the first person I thought of. Not a great move. It's kinda awkward working with a guy who's seen you fall that far down, you know? We've worked past it, mostly, but still, every so often... there it is again.

I actually did reach him that night. When I called, his wife answered - oh, and that's another real bright spot for me, 'cause she already didn't trust me and I know she could tell I was plastered. She said he was out and she'd call his cell phone, but then I guess he came in from wherever the hell he was.

That's another thing that really bothers me about that night. I know something happened to Rey too, but I was too drunk to be able to figure it out. And it's still bothering the crap outta me.

5. Lennie, in "Plain Sight Exception," what will you do if Ed and McCoy actually make a stab at having a relationship? Will Ed's potential relationship with McCoy change your views about the EADA? Are you open to a change in your attitude? ;-)

Nah, I don't even wanna go there. Don't get me wrong, it's not that Jack's an asshole or anything like that. He's all right. We've worked together close to ten years, been through a lot. So we're kinda... not friends, but we get along. I don't hate him, even though we've both pissed each other off a whole buncha times.

But... I don't even like to hear that Valentine crap with a guy and a girl. Mike Logan used to go on about his catch of the day and Rey used to get this smile on his face whenever his wife called, and I could never decide which I hated more. So thinking of Ed going off on me like that, and with Jack McCoy of all people... ::shaking head:: I swear to god I'll put in for a transfer if he starts doing that.

I mean, there's a place for the DA's office in a cop's world: they piss you off with their damn little rules and doubletalk, they haul your ass outta the fire when you screw up, and they put the bad guys away for good after you arrest them. Bitching about them with your partner is like an inalienable right of every cop. I'll lose it if I have to start watching my mouth around Ed when Jack screws up, or if Ed starts getting flowers delivered from the DA's office. Or if they both get all moony-eyed together while we're doing trial preps.

Excuse me. I gotta go lose my lunch now.