Hm. Interesting.

[ciroccoj]

More men taking wives' last names

The newlyweds knew it would be surprising, but they never expected it to go quite so badly.
As Donna and Mike entered their wedding reception, an unwitting announcer told the expectant crowd, "Ladies and gentleman, put your hands together for the new Mr. and Mrs. Salinger!"

Some guests clapped, some chuckled at what they presumed was a joke and most looked at one another in confusion. The couple spent the entire reception and some of their honeymoon explaining to people what they had done.

The groom, you see, had started his day as Mike Davis and ended it by doing something precious few of his brothers-in-arms do: He took his wife's last name instead of her taking his.

"Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought it would have caused as much of a stir as it did," says Mike Salinger, 27, of Seattle, who was married in November. "We knew people might be surprised, but we figured they'd say 'Huh' and get on with it.

Breaking with the 'norm'

The Salingers broke a patriarchal tradition so ingrained in American society that many women's studies researchers have yet to study it.

"I'm sure somewhere there's some anthropologist or someone who has looked at this, but I don't know of any," says Nancy Lutkehaus, chair of the Gender Studies program at the University of Southern California. "It hasn't been a large enough social phenomenon that it's hit the radar as something to be studied."

That may be coming. The California Legislature is set to consider a bill this month that would allow men to change their surnames upon marriage as seamlessly as women now can. Only seven states now allow a man who wishes to alter his name after his wedding to do so without going through the laborious, frequently expensive legal process set out by the courts for any name change. Women don't have to do so.

The bill is co-sponsored by the ACLU of California as a follow-up to a federal lawsuit the civil rights group filed in December on behalf of Michael Buday, a Los Angeles man who wants to take on his wife's surname, Bijon, to show his affinity for his father-in-law. He accuses the state of gender discrimination for forcing him into the more complex process.

"We have the perfect marriage application for the 17th century," says ACLU attorney Mark Rosenbaum, who is litigating the case. Buday did not respond to requests for an interview. "Every place Michael went, he had the door shut in his face or he was ridiculed."

Mike Salinger, who said it cost him about $350 to change his name legally, concedes he changed his name "because I'm a big ole granola liberal and I wanted to tweak the tradition while showing my wife I love her."

The 'hyphenating' option

But his and Buday's approach is only one, and perhaps the boldest, possible variation. A more frequent — if not common — occurrence, wedding consultant Sharon Naylor says, is for both members of a couple to take on both last names.

"I'm seeing men and women discussing the possibility of hyphenating their names together more than I did before because both have a vested interest in keeping the last name they've built their careers under," says Naylor, a New Jersey-based author of 32 books on weddings. "If the groom is considering it, there's always a concern of 'What will the people think at the office? What will my father think?' "

Christopher Sclafani and Jeannie Rhee avoided the wedding-night scene the Salingers endured by instructing their deejay not to introduce them with their last names, but their decision to take on both names without a hyphen caused other problems. The new Christopher Sclafani Rhee was immediately and persistently called Mr. Rhee, which most people assumed was his whole last name.

"People could not handle the idea that a man had a two-part last name," says the 34-year-old Washington, D.C., lawyer. "The first couple of months were incredibly jarring. Then we realized both are hard names to spell and to explain, so I just accepted this (Rhee) as my new last name."

'Turn in your man card'

Sam Van Hallgren, 32, co-host of the movie-review podcast Filmspotting, had to explain himself not just to his listeners but even to his co-host, Adam Kempenaar. Kempenaar was caught by surprise the first time Van Hallgren introduced himself at the top of their show with his new name. Van Hallgren was formerly Sam Hallgren until he wed Carrie Van Deest in August and they both took on the new, combined names.

Van Hallgren received a scathing note from a longtime listener with a subject line that read, "Sam, turn in your man card." The listener asked what "sissy juice" the host was drinking.

The Van Hallgrens, who live in Milwaukee, say they did it for their future children. The idea of merging names, which Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa also did when the former Antonio Villar wed the former Corina Raigosa in 1987, started out for Sam and Carrie as a joke. Then, while talking with a friend who was surprised Carrie would take Sam's name, Sam first uttered the merged version and they both liked it.

"I feared that people would think I did it to suggest more people should do it," he says. "But I didn't. It just made sense for us."


NAMING NAMES IN OTHER PLACES
Though anthropologists know of no world cultures in which men uniformly take on their wives' family names upon marriage, there are some variations in the naming traditions for wives and children. Among them:

• In many Middle Eastern nations, including Iran, Yemen, Jordan and Syria, Muslim women retain their own names after marriage out of respect for their fathers. In some cases, they must get a court order if they wish to go by their husband's surname.
  
  
• In Spain and several Central American and South American nations, including Venezuela, many married women traditionally retain their birth names. Children typically get the surnames of both parents, though the father's is usually the one used by the child and handed on to the next generation.
  
  
• In Iceland, most people do not have family names. Instead, someone's second name usually indicates who their father is. For example, Joe's son John is known as John Joeson, John's son Jay would be Jay Johnson, and so on. Novel first names must be approved by the Icelandic Naming Committee. Sometimes the mother's name is used instead, although it is rare and usually indicates a rift with the father.
  
  
• In the United Kingdom, Prince Charles' full formal name is Charles Mountbatten-Windsor, taking and generally using the family name, Windsor, of his mother, Queen Elizabeth II. Mountbatten was the family name of the queen's husband, Prince Philip. The naming of Charles and his siblings required an act of Parliament in 1960 and was done to preserve the Windsor name.

Sources: University of Southern California, University of Chicago, BBC News, George Mason University

Link to the article

Comments

[linaelyn.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the enlightening and interesting post!

We've been the Telcontar-Longshanks family ("Telcontar" being my birth name, and Estel's being "Longshanks") since we married in 1984. We've hit a little resistance in a few elderly relatives on his side and mine both, but after a few years of us politely refusing to answer to "Mr & Mrs Longshanks" and beginning reply-correspondence with a humorous "Oh, and you seem to have misspelled our surname. The correct spelling is..." We've hit more problems over the name being so long and awkward to spell, though. For example, it was a challenge to get all the various spellings of our gift-subscriptions to National Geographic magazine concatenated into one single seven-year-long subscription. But me managed! I can always tell when it's a sales call, because many computer programs take the hyphen out of our name, and Telcontarlongshanks is a bitch to try and say when it flashes onto a telemarketer's screen for a cold call. "Hello, is this Mrs. ah... uh... um..."

"Go on. Take a stab at it," I reply. "I always love hearing my name mangled by sales people. Then you can try to sell me your product." If the sales person can laugh at themselves, I'll give the my moment to listen to the product schpiel, because if they can attract a quality sales force, maybe the product or service is a good one.

[ciroccoj.livejournal.com]

We've been the Telcontar-Longshanks family ("Telcontar" being my birth name, and Estel's being "Longshanks") since we married in 1984.
Yeah, that's a bit of a mouthful...

"Go on. Take a stab at it," I reply. "I always love hearing my name mangled by sales people. Then you can try to sell me your product."

::snicker:: My mom used to love salespeople who asked for "Mr. Neale," since her last name was Neale but the last male of that name (her dad) had died in 1962.

"Oh, he's dead!" she would say cheerfully, and wait for them to get unflustered before politely ending the call. One time she gave her standard answer and the salesperson automatically said, "Oh that's too bad do you know when he'll be back?"

Silence.

"...I'm not sure he will be. You see, he's dead."

Without missing a beat, saleslady says, "Can I speak to Mrs. Neale, then?"

[tobiascharity.livejournal.com]

This is really interesting! I've always been fascinated by the tradition of names, and it's cool to see men taking on their wives names. In my family, at least on my mom's side, the way we preserve last names is that the first daughter born gets her mother's maiden name as a middle name. (I got my grandmother's maiden name, since my mom decided not to inflict me with her maiden name. She gave it to my brother instead.)

Mark and I always joke that if we ever get married, we should hyphenate our names. We'll be the Napierkowski-Wegerskis and confuse the entire world.

[ciroccoj.livejournal.com]

In my family, at least on my mom's side, the way we preserve last names is that the first daughter born gets her mother's maiden name as a middle name.
That's so cool! Although how cool it is probably partially depends on how cool the maiden name is ;)

Mark and I always joke that if we ever get married, we should hyphenate our names. We'll be the Napierkowski-Wegerskis and confuse the entire world.
::snicker::

[bandgeek.livejournal.com]

Hmm, very interesting indeed. If I ever have children, I'm going to want them to have my last name, or at least mine and another, because my dad's the only son of his family, and he only had me.

I need to send this to A -- I was just arguing with him over IM about feminism (I totally won). Why are boys so threatened by feminists? Boys that claim to be enlightened, I mean. They seem to take it personally.

[ciroccoj.livejournal.com]

If I ever have children, I'm going to want them to have my last name, or at least mine and another, because my dad's the only son of his family, and he only had me.
My boys have different last names (older has dad's last name, younger has mine) and it's caused a bit of confusion, though nothing major. We did get a lot of quizzical looks when he was first named, though.

Why are boys so threatened by feminists? Boys that claim to be enlightened, I mean. They seem to take it personally.
Yeah, I don't know. To me it's a (probably slightly unfair) litmus test: a guy who's not threatened by feminists is a guy who's secure in himself, and therefore a guy I can respect and relate to well.

Ever see Joss Whedon's speech "Why do you write such strong women characters?" It's just beautiful.

[bandgeek.livejournal.com]

To me it's a (probably slightly unfair) litmus test: a guy who's not threatened by feminists is a guy who's secure in himself, and therefore a guy I can respect and relate to well.

To some extent, yes. But I have some sympathy for the ones that want to be comfortable with it, but still have a somewhat negative guttural reaction. Especially among guys my own age, because let's face it, they're still young. Self-confidence hasn't had a chance to set in yet, for some of them. I do my best to approach them with patience, although with the ones that aren't willing to listen and take me seriously, I get frustrated. A, though, is slowly adapting into an enlightened male, I think. I'm working on him. :D

No, I haven't read that Joss speech. Is it something that would be available on the internet? (I suppose I can only assume so. What Jossverse-related text isn't available on the internet?)

[shiningmoon.livejournal.com]

Fascinating. I was especially interested in the last two bulletpoints (Iceland--so the "-dottir" (maternal) is unusual, modernly?-- and re: the Windsors).

[ciroccoj.livejournal.com]

I was especially interested in the last two bulletpoints (Iceland--so the "-dottir" (maternal) is unusual, modernly?--
Oh - I thought it meant that most people would have their father's name as part of their last name (Joe Jackson, Jane Jacksdaughter) and it was unusual to have them use their mother's name instead (Joe Jillson, Jane Jillsdaughter). I should look that up.

and re: the Windsors)
Yeah, that part was totally new to me. Makes sense, though.

[(Anonymous)]

Two of my friends created their own last name, instead of either one of them "loosing" a part of their history. They chose something that would be meaningful to both, and that they could both feel was a part of who they were, both individually and as a couple.

I've heard other people talk about doing this, but these friends are the only ones I know who've actually done it.

As for me, it's all rather hypothetical right now, but I'm guessing I'd have a hard time giving up my last name, since my dad's side has only one male child in my generation, and since I'm so damn attached to it! I'm not a huge fan of hyphenation, either, as it can become somewhat cumbersome at times.

But who knows? That decision seems to be pretty far off into my future.

~~

Twinkle
www.twinklesrants.blogspot.com

[ciroccoj.livejournal.com]

Two of my friends created their own last name, instead of either one of them "loosing" a part of their history. They chose something that would be meaningful to both, and that they could both feel was a part of who they were, both individually and as a couple.
That's great! Did it have anything to do with their original last names, or was it just completely made up?

As for me, it's all rather hypothetical right now, but I'm guessing I'd have a hard time giving up my last name, since my dad's side has only one male child in my generation, and since I'm so damn attached to it!
Yeah, the part that gets to me a bit is that some people really don't see what the big deal is in changing/not passing your name on, and they're right that maybe it shouldn't be such a big deal... but then why is it such a big deal for you to not change it?

[batita.livejournal.com]

It was an easy call for me. My last name was unpronounceable and un-spellable by anyone but the portuguese. changing to a 'normal' one simplified my life!

I have friends that had decided before they got married that the husband would change his name to his wife's last name. Post wedding name cold feet kept him from doing it (also mom's disapproval). However, once they had kids he stepped up to the plate and changed his name to hers. Good for him and good for her!

[ciroccoj.livejournal.com]

My last name was unpronounceable and un-spellable by anyone but the portuguese. changing to a 'normal' one simplified my life!
Hee... I liked it, but then again, I didn't have to spell it over and over and hear it mangled on a daily basis ;)

However, once they had kids he stepped up to the plate and changed his name to hers. Good for him and good for her!
Good for them!

My favourite name-change story was about a family named Wolfson. Ms. X married this guy, Mr. Wolfson, and took his last name. A few years later, he skipped off. She kept his name and went back to school, and then started a career. Many years later, met another guy. He wanted them to have the same last name, but by this point, she had a good career going and was pretty proud of all she'd accomplished as Mrs. Wolfson, and had a lot of clients and contacts that all knew her with that name. So he took her name. Then they had kids. Who, of course, they named Wolfson.

So there's this whole happy family, all named after some guy who hasn't been seen or heard from in thirty years. Wonder what he thought about that, if he ever found out ;)