stress-induced pointless rambling

[ciroccoj]

Chris is at his yearly gaming convention, hopefully having a great time. The boys and I had a pretty good day today. Built part of a Roman road, made a flipbook showing Hanibal's elephants crossing the Alps. I even got a lot of reading done. The house is a mess and we're eating far too much pizza lately, but whatever. Tomorrow Chris takes both boys with him, and I'll get an entire day to slog through corporate tax structures and spousal support guidelines and oh just kill me now.

Then on Sunday Chris is at the convention all day again, so I'm going to use part of tomorrow to plan a bunch of no-supervision-required activities for the kids. I'm toying with some of them being paid jobs. Seeing as how in a way they'll be babysitting themselves.

On an unrelated note, it's funny, but I've been feeling... I dunno. Like there's some stuff that I'm angry at Chris for, though I know I shouldn't be. It's not fair, yet there it is. I don't think it's even anger, it's... sort of anger. Peri-anger? Something like that. And for no really good reason, either. Probably just the stress of the bar exam. I'm short-tempered with the kids too, and trying very hard not to be, so maybe some of the wtf-ness I feel towards them for the dumb stuff they do is being shunted towards him.

There's no real way for Chris to deal with this stuff, either - especially since I haven't said anything so he probably has no idea there's anything wrong. And he's being so incredibly supportive about my studies that it seems ridiculous to bring up anything as dumb as this.

I guess I'm feeling like I've been owed... an apology? Something like that. For a while now. Stuff I wish he'd said, that I would probably dismiss immediately if he did say it, because really, it's shit that doesn't need an apology.



========================
I'm sorry for all the times you told me to call my parents back and I snapped at you to stop nagging me.
I'm sorry for all the times I snapped at you to stop nagging me and then said "Jim never told me you called" when they finally got a hold of me.
I'm sorry for all the times I implied you were being paranoid when you told me my parents would blame you and not me for not calling.
I'm sorry for all the times I said you were being overly sensitive and dismissed you as paranoid when you said my mother didn't like you.
I'm sorry I did what the brain injury literature said brain injured people do routinely: blame others for their memory problems.
I'm sorry I told my mother that you not cooking was because you didn't want to/couldn't cook, rather than because I was supposed to cook as part of my therapy.
I'm sorry that set off eight years of resentment about your lack of worth as a wife and mother, and a firm conviction that our children were malnourished and sickly and that it was your fault.

I'm sorry that it didn't occur to me to apologize for any of this.
I'm sorry that it will never occur to anybody in my family to apologize to you, because why would anybody need to apologize for eight years of snarky comments and not-so-subtle signs of disdain and passive-aggressive "anonymous" comments on your livejournal and possibly even a bit of catty discussion about you within the family.
I'm sorry that this will all go nowhere, and nobody will give a shit. And we will all go on as before, and probably never mention it again. Because why should anybody care about the reputation or feelings of some bitch who refuses to pass on messages or cook for her sickly children, and who can't be bothered to act like a decent hostess when she's got two little kids and a brain injured husband and... yadda yadda yadda, you know the rest.

I'm sorry I hurt you.
I'm sorry my mother hurt you.
You didn't deserve this.
How can I help?
========================

Yeah, that's about it.

What's stupid is, re. "How can I help?" he's already done a lot. He wrote a letter to his mom that - even after I suggested a few places where he could tone down/lose a few expletives - left no doubt what he thought of the situation, and I couldn't have asked for more support from him. But it still feels like he hasn't apologized to me, and... oh well.

Chalk it down to exam stress seizing on the ridiculous.



BTW yes, I know this is not friendslocked. I've friendslocked a lot of stuff up to now, but have decided to stop. I was doing it out of consideration for other people involved, but it meant that four of my closest RL friends never read any of it, and... well, certain bridges have been thoroughly burned anyway, so I'm unlocking and just hoping nobody reads it who shouldn't.


In totally unrelated news? I'm dying to see Narnia: Prince Caspian.

Comments

[daf9.livejournal.com]

1. Good luck with the studying!

2. I too am really lookin' forward to seeing Prince Caspian

3. I've been married for almost 25 years - and yeah, there are times when all the rationalization in the world doesn't change the fact that I'm hurt and/or pissed off.

[ciroccoj.livejournal.com]

1. Thanks!

2. Me too! Maybe tomorrow! Squeeeee!

3. Yeah, that's exactly it. It doesn't make sense, but you still can't reason it away. Bummer.

[batita.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I'm just pissed off at the general unfairness of things going on in my life and I get pissed at Tyler just because he can't fix it. Or maybe just because he's not feeling it as acutely as I am. Its not fair, but the feelings still happen.

[ciroccoj.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's like... I'm not angry at you, I'm mostly angry... near you. Not fair, but c'est la vie :(

[bear.livejournal.com]

FWIW, re: bar exam studying -- it's bizarre. Like, the real you is still inside somewhere, but your body and brain and (especially) mouth gets taken over by some horrible version of yourself that you barely recognize and can't control. Which, uh, I guess means that it's like being under imperius for a couple of months?

But yeah, totally normal. I found it easiest to simply avoid as many people as possible (to minimize the collateral damage of breathing the nearby air, which, I assure you, if it hasn't started driving you bugfuck crazy yet, it will), and apologize afterwards to those who nevertheless had to put up with me. Possibly with baked goods of some sort, because baking also takes your mind off the whole waiting-for-results thing.

You WILL get through this.

(Also, there's a bar exam comm on lj called (cleverly enough) either bar_exam or barexam that helped me a LOT, mental-health-wise, when I was studying.)

[snarkhunter.livejournal.com]

I don't remember you being particularly horrible...maybe that's the benefit of being 400 miles away and reachable only by phone. :)

[ciroccoj.livejournal.com]

Like, the real you is still inside somewhere, but your body and brain and (especially) mouth gets taken over by some horrible version of yourself that you barely recognize and can't control. Which, uh, I guess means that it's like being under imperius for a couple of months?
Must remember to use this line on the kids next time I get snarky with them.

I found it easiest to simply avoid as many people as possible (to minimize the collateral damage of breathing the nearby air, which, I assure you, if it hasn't started driving you bugfuck crazy yet, it will),
LOL!!

Thanks :D :D :D

[snarkhunter.livejournal.com]

I don't know what to say. ::hugs::?

[ciroccoj.livejournal.com]

::hugs:: back. Thanks :)