anger issues
Nov. 28th, 2003 08:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ciroccojI think it was ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
bear who wrote an entry a long, long time ago stating that really, nobody can quite get to you like your parents.
Just came back from seeing my mom and Guy, who came back from a six-week trip Chile yesterday. Overall, a nice visit, and I'm glad she and Guy had a nice time. Glad to catch up on news of La Familia. However... one thing she said is just eating away at me, and I have a feeling will probably keep me up for a bit tonight.
I have two cousins, Felipe and Loredana, who are both in medical school. Felipe just turned 23, Loly is 21. Felipe has mostly finished his schooling (apparently they go straight to Med school there, none of this "completing at least one undergrad degree" that's almost required here unless you're some kind of genius).
Anyway, my mother told me Felipe is now going to start his internship. He'll do two years before being a regular doctor. "And," she said, smiling slightly, "When Chris complains about his residency? Tell him Felipe is paying for rent, and food, and tuition. He works all day, and he's not even getting paid anything." And she sat back, with a 'so there' look on her face.
::deep breath::
For the record, Chris does not complain. Not to my mother, anyway. No, this was aimed quite directly at me, because I'm the one who does (or rather, did) complain bitterly about Chris' residency to her. Until I finally got tired of her replying with either a dismissive, "Well, it's like any profession, really" or with her patented "I don't approve of this whining so I'll just be totally silent and unresponsive until you get yourself together and cut it out" look.
So why is this making me fume and utterly blotting out the nice time we had?
Because frankly I feel like killing her right now.
First off, not to put Felipe down or anything, but I'd say there's a bit of a difference between spending 8 v. 4 years in school before being a resident. And secondly, (and this is the part that burns) what she's pointing out about poor Felipe, who has to work all day and not even get paid for it? And in fact, has to actually pay TUITION, god forbid, while he's working, the poor dear? (with a lovely subtext of You think you had it bad, well here's somebody who's really suffering and you don't see them complain, do you?)
CHRIS DID THAT FOR 18 FUCKING MONTHS. WORKING 80-120 HOURS A WEEK. WHILE PAYING ROUGHLY $6,000 FOR THE PRIVILEGE. WHICH SHE WOULD HAVE HEARD, HAD SHE BOTHERED TO LISTEN TO A WORD I SAID DURING THOSE 18 MONTHS INSTEAD OF PROJECTING DISAPPROVAL BECAUSE I WAS DARING TO WHINE ABOUT IT.
Also? While Chris was working those hours and paying for it, I was working fulltime and taking care of Daniel, who was 2-3 years old. I went through pregnancy, childbirth, nursing difficulties with Justin, a whalloping depression, and the joy of trying to sell our house with a 3-yr old and a newborn and no partner in sight.
Yes, I'm so sorry, I did whine. To my mother, because there was nobody else to talk to about any of it. And what a great source of support she was. Such great support, as a matter of fact, that I finally vowed that even if there was nobody else to talk to about any of my particular troubles, I still wouldn't tell her about them. Because she invariably makes them worse - I not only deal with whatever is troubling me, I also deal with her disappointment at my weakness and impatience at my complaining.
So, the depression I've gone through this year? Chris' brain damage? My marital troubles with Chris? Leslie's death? Todd and Susan's woes? She doesn't know about any of it, and she never will. She knows about the fibroid and hospitalization, but only because she took care of my kids while I was in the hospital. Otherwise, as far as she knows, everything is peachy rosy wonderful. Because she just can't handle anything less from me.
OK. On that cheery note, I'm going to go put my kids to bed and try as much as I can to not allow my fury at my mother to taint their bedtime.
bear who wrote an entry a long, long time ago stating that really, nobody can quite get to you like your parents.Just came back from seeing my mom and Guy, who came back from a six-week trip Chile yesterday. Overall, a nice visit, and I'm glad she and Guy had a nice time. Glad to catch up on news of La Familia. However... one thing she said is just eating away at me, and I have a feeling will probably keep me up for a bit tonight.
I have two cousins, Felipe and Loredana, who are both in medical school. Felipe just turned 23, Loly is 21. Felipe has mostly finished his schooling (apparently they go straight to Med school there, none of this "completing at least one undergrad degree" that's almost required here unless you're some kind of genius).
Anyway, my mother told me Felipe is now going to start his internship. He'll do two years before being a regular doctor. "And," she said, smiling slightly, "When Chris complains about his residency? Tell him Felipe is paying for rent, and food, and tuition. He works all day, and he's not even getting paid anything." And she sat back, with a 'so there' look on her face.
::deep breath::
For the record, Chris does not complain. Not to my mother, anyway. No, this was aimed quite directly at me, because I'm the one who does (or rather, did) complain bitterly about Chris' residency to her. Until I finally got tired of her replying with either a dismissive, "Well, it's like any profession, really" or with her patented "I don't approve of this whining so I'll just be totally silent and unresponsive until you get yourself together and cut it out" look.
So why is this making me fume and utterly blotting out the nice time we had?
Because frankly I feel like killing her right now.
First off, not to put Felipe down or anything, but I'd say there's a bit of a difference between spending 8 v. 4 years in school before being a resident. And secondly, (and this is the part that burns) what she's pointing out about poor Felipe, who has to work all day and not even get paid for it? And in fact, has to actually pay TUITION, god forbid, while he's working, the poor dear? (with a lovely subtext of You think you had it bad, well here's somebody who's really suffering and you don't see them complain, do you?)
CHRIS DID THAT FOR 18 FUCKING MONTHS. WORKING 80-120 HOURS A WEEK. WHILE PAYING ROUGHLY $6,000 FOR THE PRIVILEGE. WHICH SHE WOULD HAVE HEARD, HAD SHE BOTHERED TO LISTEN TO A WORD I SAID DURING THOSE 18 MONTHS INSTEAD OF PROJECTING DISAPPROVAL BECAUSE I WAS DARING TO WHINE ABOUT IT.
Also? While Chris was working those hours and paying for it, I was working fulltime and taking care of Daniel, who was 2-3 years old. I went through pregnancy, childbirth, nursing difficulties with Justin, a whalloping depression, and the joy of trying to sell our house with a 3-yr old and a newborn and no partner in sight.
Yes, I'm so sorry, I did whine. To my mother, because there was nobody else to talk to about any of it. And what a great source of support she was. Such great support, as a matter of fact, that I finally vowed that even if there was nobody else to talk to about any of my particular troubles, I still wouldn't tell her about them. Because she invariably makes them worse - I not only deal with whatever is troubling me, I also deal with her disappointment at my weakness and impatience at my complaining.
So, the depression I've gone through this year? Chris' brain damage? My marital troubles with Chris? Leslie's death? Todd and Susan's woes? She doesn't know about any of it, and she never will. She knows about the fibroid and hospitalization, but only because she took care of my kids while I was in the hospital. Otherwise, as far as she knows, everything is peachy rosy wonderful. Because she just can't handle anything less from me.
OK. On that cheery note, I'm going to go put my kids to bed and try as much as I can to not allow my fury at my mother to taint their bedtime.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-11-28 05:47 pm (UTC)If it's any consolation (and I don't know that it will be, but I'll give it a shot), what you describe sounds a lot like how my grandmother treated my mom (and to some extent, how she treats me), which is to say dismissive and "suck it up and deal" and guilt-trip-loving. My mother, while not a 180 degree difference from my grandmother (I'm not certain that's possible, really), made a conscious effort to be positive and encouraging and to take my problems seriously, both while I was growing up and now. And for the most part, we get along really well, and I feel like I can usually count on her to have my back. Which is a long-winded way of saying that based on the way you write about your kids, and what I know about you and Chris as parents, what you went through with your mom today won't be something they'll have to relive in twenty years with you.
Not that that helps any, but.
::hugs::
no subject
Date: 2003-11-28 07:29 pm (UTC)That's it exactly. You're all grown up, you take most things in stride, and then Mommy says one thing and it's all over.
... what you went through with your mom today won't be something they'll have to relive in twenty years with you.
Not that that helps any, but.
It does. Help, that is.
I live in fear of becoming my parents. Not that my mom was a bad parent, other than how she dealt/deals with my problems. For most things, I'll be happy if I can be as good a mother as she was. But when it comes to my kids' problems... I live in fear of hearing "suck it up, you whiner" (or its passive-aggressive equivalent) come out of my mouth. I hope it never does.
Thanks :)
no subject
Date: 2003-11-28 07:34 pm (UTC)Lots of hugs to you, and admiration, too. I probably would have lost it. You are amazing, Cirocco. And your kids will turn out wonderfully, and you and Chris, I don't doubt, will support them. Which is what matters, yes? So. Hugs.
no subject
Date: 2003-11-29 11:33 am (UTC)Thanks. For hugs and support :)
no subject
Date: 2003-11-28 10:03 pm (UTC)There are few things, in my opinion, that are more hurtful, coming from a parent, than to say that your problems are trivial or that you should "suck it up and deal."
Because really. Sometimes, you just can't. And most of the time, you shouldn't have to. The things you have gone through in the last year alone are enough to break even very strong people. The fact that you have been able to keep pulling through it is a testament to the fact that you are a lot stronger than your mother gives you credit for.
And what Kyl and Tory said about not becoming your parents? I third that. ::hugs again::
no subject
Date: 2003-11-29 11:35 am (UTC)Yeah... it's strange how powerful their judgements are sometimes. They shouldn't be, but they are.
And what Kyl and Tory said about not becoming your parents? I third that. ::hugs again::
Thanks :) That means a lot to me.
Oh my tweedlebugs!
Date: 2003-11-29 05:57 am (UTC)I'd probably turn it into a bit of a game, though if I know Chris he'll already be doing that, and pretty soon it'll be a one-liner you guys use.
Have you thought about fighting fire with fire in a sweetly passive agressive way? So next time she undermines your problems by pointing out someone who's got it worse, you say "Yeah, but how can that person complain when there's child sweatshops in India?" Never let her have the last word in a situation like this. Make it a bit of a game and enjoy it as much as you can?
Toxic people can be so....toxic. And smelly.
Sarah
no subject
Date: 2003-11-29 11:37 am (UTC):D Yeah, he's got a few things to say when I tell him about her attitude. He doesn't see my mother very often, though.
you say "Yeah, but how can that person complain when there's child sweatshops in India?" Never let her have the last word in a situation like this.
:D :D Thanks for the ideas. I doubt she'd get it, at all, but it would probably make me feel a whole lot better :)