Cirocco Jones

I thought the community was dead since I hadn't seen any updates on their livejournal in a while, but apparently they just moved to Dreamwidth.

Note: I haven't read any of the stories these came from, and in fact don't even know most of the fandoms in here, but the errors are hilarious and the commentaries by those who collect them are hysterical.

• If we don’t nip this thing in the butt without sparking any further consequences then we’re in for rough times come next year.
  
  (Gardening tips for the advanced student)
  
  
• His chin wobbled as he fought to restore his Vulcan composer.
  
  
• "Do you know the entomology of the phrase 'white elephant'?"
  
  (Insects to elephants in one bold leap)
  
  
• Evening settled over the countryside turning the clear, azure, summer sky into a blend of pinks, purples, violates, and peach oranges.
  
  
• Before you write to beret me of my youthful foolishness, do take up the locket you keep closed in the top drawer of your bedside secretaire and look at the miniature portrait within.
  
  
• After Cuba, Mystique finds herself struggling to accumulate to life in the Mutant Brotherhood.
  
  (Perhaps it's the opposite of being de-atomized?)
  
  
• The nervous tick below his eye twitches violently.
  
  (Ew)
  
  
• His eyes slowly blinked open, wary of the bright light that had temporarily blended him.
  
  
• The blonde instantly stopped his menstruations and looked up at the potion's master, a glint his silvery eyes.
  
  (I'd like to be able to stop that at will)
  
  
• “Well, think of it this way, Bones,” Kirk yells from where he’s gathering water from a virulent mountain stream. “At least this place is beautiful.”
  
  (Why non-metaphorical purification tablets are you friend)
  
  
• If he started to pace, Chris was libel to pick up on the sound and there would be more questions.
  
  
• He was well within his right to banish the lot of them but that would be cutting his own nose off despite his face.
  
  
• Jack had the audacity to look amused, his gaze raking his barley dressed body.
  
  (I have a wicked mental image for this, though it's a little grainy)
  
  
• Chris looked back at him with his brows in knits.
  
  
• “No offense, man, but if I had been in a comma for a month and a half I’d be confused and a little pissed off, too,” comes Dustin’s voice.
  
  (So would I. Very confused, actually)
  
  
• It appeared that Pansy was impressed enough with Draco’s devious (albeit false) plan that she forgot about being mad that he wasn’t standing over the unconscious mudblood laughing viscously.

Ten years ago we moved into this house in Ottawa and then Chris went back to London to finish out the last month of his contract, leaving me alone with Justin, almost two, and Daniel, almost five. In the middle of winter. In a new house. Desperate to find some way to while away the long hours with two very active little boys in a house full of boxes, I loaded them into our sled and went for a walk around the neighbourhood...

...and encountered Narnia. What I had thought was just a cul-de-sac in suburbia ended up being the entrance to part of the National Capital Region bike paths, through forests, down hills, near a quarry, past a huge mesa-like reservoir, and a five-minute walk away from a small abandoned ski hill. Well... ten minutes, considering that either they had to walk on very short legs or I had to haul them.

Sledded to home school day today at Dulude Arena down that same hill. Fell off and landed in perfect snow. Our trip home at the end of the day took considerably longer, as we went down the hill three times, falling off every single time.

So, so glad we bought this house.

White socks, grey stretch pants, brown plaid wool skirt, pink t-shirt, purple long-sleeved shirt, green sweater.

Oh yeah, I am rockin' on that stay-at-home runway today.

Me: There's something different about you...
Justin: Yes. I have been out of your womb for twelve years.

It was a two-lane highway. I was going 10% over the speed limit. If that wasn't fast enough for you, you could have passed me. Did you need to become my proctologist for 80km?

A while back, I wrote about a missed opportunity when some guy called us from Microsoft to let us know we had a virus. I'd hung up on him, saying, "Nice try, but we only have Macs," and then wished I hadn't, because damn, it would've been funny to see how long I could keep him on the line trying to "help" me.

By the way, it's a scam that's been running for a long, long time: phone scam India call centres.

I got called again this morning! I won't try to duplicate the guy's heavy Indian accent, but the conversation went something like this:

Scammer: Hello ma'am, I'm calling from the service centre for Microsoft. We are getting a signal from your computer that your computer is not safe.
Me: Oh no! From my computer?
Scammer: Yes ma'am.
(exchange where I tell him I'm going to turn on my computer and he explains why I need his help)
Me: OK, I've got it open.
Scammer: I want you to find your control key.
Me: My control key?
Scammer: Yes ma'am. Next to your control key--
Me: I don't have a control key.
Scammer: Your control key?
Me: I have... does my computer need keys?
Scammer: What?
Me: Do you mean... like, a key for a door? Do I need a key for my computer?
Scammer: No. You have a key--
Me: But I don't have any keys. I just open it, I don't have a key.
(this went on for a while until he finally got through that he meant a key on the keyboard, and that I needed to find a key called "control")
Scammer: All right, ma'am, what is next to that key?
Me: Um... I have a Z. And an X, C, V, B--
Scammer: No, no I mean next to your control key. Look for the [four-square flag].
(I actually have no idea what he was trying to say there; it sounded like four-square flag, but I never did figure it out)
Me: A flag? I don't have flags on my keyboard.
Scammer: No, it's a key.
Me: Next to the control key?
Scammer: Yes.
Me: I have a key called Fn.
Scammer: Next to that one.
Me: I don't have anything next to that.
Scammer: Nothing?
Me: I have a shift key above it, though. And a caps lock, and tab.
(...and then he figured it out)
Scammer: Why you are doing this, ma'am?
Me: What?
Scammer: I am trying to help you. Why you are saying these things?
Me: Are you calling from Microsoft?
Scammer: I am trying to protect your computer from problems. Why you are - why I am your entertainment?
Me: Are you calling from Microsoft?
Scammer: I am trying to--
Me: Because I don't have any Microsoft products in my home. All we have are Apple computers.
Scammer: ...
Me: So I'm interested in how Microsoft is getting error messages from my computer.
Scammer: I am calling to help--
Me: I have only Macs in this house. And we've had calls from you people before, and I would really like to not have another one. Thank you!

Justin was nearly peeing himself laughing by this point, so I hung up.

I would've felt bad for the guy, but you know what? You called me, buddy. And your scam targets people who are very, very dumb. So: you want dumb? I shall deliver! With a vengeance!

Made fourteen pie crusts, four quiches, two pies. Eight crusts and some quiche filling await us tomorrow in our fridge. As does a lovely mung bean curry for Meatless Monday.

Read this a little while ago and got depressed. Read it again today and got depressed again. I should stop reading it :/

Religious people harbour deep mistrust of atheists, about equal to rapists, says study

And it's December 15, in Ottawa. What's wrong with this picture?