Wishing there was somebody to talk to...
Aug. 3rd, 2008 09:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ciroccojIt's funny what kinds of things make me miss my mom. For the last several months, fears of unavoidable impending depression have been rising, again, but my mom was never really much good about my depression (she was bloody godawful, tbh) so mostly I've just wished I had somebody, anybody, to talk to, and maybe help stave it off for a while. The thing that's making me miss my mother in particular lately has been Daniel. I miss her so much it's painful.
The last few months I've really been feeling totally out of my depth with him. On the surface he's no better or worse than normal; he's spacey, jittery, constantly chattering, focussed on D&D and other fantasy games, and socially inept. There's no crisis or anything, not like the depression stuff. But I keep trying to figure out how to help him be less socially inept, and less spacey, without squashing his quirkiness and uniqueness, and feel like I'm utterly failing.
My mom was really good at this. Valuing a kid's uniqueness and being able to see where he could use some redirection. And there's really nobody else I can think of who might be able to do that. I don't need somebody to tell me that the kid is odd; I'm pretty aware of that. And I don't need anybody to tell me that the way to make him a better person is to just squash or smack the "odd" out of him, and force him to be just like everybody else. But I also don't need to hear that he's perfect the way he is, because a parent's role is merely to allow children to be themselves.
I wish there was somebody I could talk to who has raised a child to adulthood and who might have more perspective on childrearing than people who are in the middle of it. And there isn't anybody. The closest I can think of is Chris' dad and stepmother, who don't see our kids terribly often but who seem pretty down-to-earth about them when they do. They've both criticized our kids, and punished them when they got out of line, but they seem able to do that while still loving and caring about them. I really wish we had somebody like that close by, somebody to provide some perspective on them.
I'm feeling totally lost here.
The last few months I've really been feeling totally out of my depth with him. On the surface he's no better or worse than normal; he's spacey, jittery, constantly chattering, focussed on D&D and other fantasy games, and socially inept. There's no crisis or anything, not like the depression stuff. But I keep trying to figure out how to help him be less socially inept, and less spacey, without squashing his quirkiness and uniqueness, and feel like I'm utterly failing.
My mom was really good at this. Valuing a kid's uniqueness and being able to see where he could use some redirection. And there's really nobody else I can think of who might be able to do that. I don't need somebody to tell me that the kid is odd; I'm pretty aware of that. And I don't need anybody to tell me that the way to make him a better person is to just squash or smack the "odd" out of him, and force him to be just like everybody else. But I also don't need to hear that he's perfect the way he is, because a parent's role is merely to allow children to be themselves.
I wish there was somebody I could talk to who has raised a child to adulthood and who might have more perspective on childrearing than people who are in the middle of it. And there isn't anybody. The closest I can think of is Chris' dad and stepmother, who don't see our kids terribly often but who seem pretty down-to-earth about them when they do. They've both criticized our kids, and punished them when they got out of line, but they seem able to do that while still loving and caring about them. I really wish we had somebody like that close by, somebody to provide some perspective on them.
I'm feeling totally lost here.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-09-08 02:21 am (UTC)Not creepy at all. I haven't had a clue how to respond, but it felt very good that somebody completely unknown had read and reached out to help, during a pretty dark time.
I'm a *odd/different* person who married another *odd/different* person and produced two very *odd/different*, wonderful people.
Hee - so are we. I mostly think that's a good thing :)
Both of my children were diagnosed with ADD but whose ADD symptoms manifested in totally different ways. They are now 18 & 20. I cannot tell you the nights we sat up worried that we were guilty of being *too much/little* fill in the blank with any or all of the following: discipline, acceptance, structure, guidance.
I can only imagine.
We were told Daniel does not have ADD, but does have a non-verbal learning disability (NVLD), which inhibits his ability to read emotions or visual cues - or anything that isn't verbal. A lot of the same symptoms of ADD, as it happens.
We had no family and I found very little in the way of support through groups or professionals despite being open to their input. I guess your post just struck a nerve, reminding me where we were at one time and sometimes still are.
How did you get through it?
We have family, but the problem is, some of it is kind of toxic. Well, one person, anyway. Who has pretty much told us that the kid is weird and disturbed and needs a good smack to set him right.
I know your post was from a few weeks ago and you many not feel the same or really don't want to chat with a stranger but if you would like to you can find me at my journal, if not, I totally understand.
It's sort of an ongoing thing, off and on, this feeling of lostness. We went on a trip with part of the family he hadn't met yet, and it went rather better than I expected, so lately I've been feeling a bit more hopeful. But there are still so many days when he's just a complete mystery to me and I feel like we're both doing everything wrong - me especially.
Thanks so much for your offer. I'm not sure I can express how much it helped.