Wishing there was somebody to talk to...

[ciroccoj]

It's funny what kinds of things make me miss my mom. For the last several months, fears of unavoidable impending depression have been rising, again, but my mom was never really much good about my depression (she was bloody godawful, tbh) so mostly I've just wished I had somebody, anybody, to talk to, and maybe help stave it off for a while. The thing that's making me miss my mother in particular lately has been Daniel. I miss her so much it's painful.

The last few months I've really been feeling totally out of my depth with him. On the surface he's no better or worse than normal; he's spacey, jittery, constantly chattering, focussed on D&D and other fantasy games, and socially inept. There's no crisis or anything, not like the depression stuff. But I keep trying to figure out how to help him be less socially inept, and less spacey, without squashing his quirkiness and uniqueness, and feel like I'm utterly failing.

My mom was really good at this. Valuing a kid's uniqueness and being able to see where he could use some redirection. And there's really nobody else I can think of who might be able to do that. I don't need somebody to tell me that the kid is odd; I'm pretty aware of that. And I don't need anybody to tell me that the way to make him a better person is to just squash or smack the "odd" out of him, and force him to be just like everybody else. But I also don't need to hear that he's perfect the way he is, because a parent's role is merely to allow children to be themselves.

I wish there was somebody I could talk to who has raised a child to adulthood and who might have more perspective on childrearing than people who are in the middle of it. And there isn't anybody. The closest I can think of is Chris' dad and stepmother, who don't see our kids terribly often but who seem pretty down-to-earth about them when they do. They've both criticized our kids, and punished them when they got out of line, but they seem able to do that while still loving and caring about them. I really wish we had somebody like that close by, somebody to provide some perspective on them.

I'm feeling totally lost here.

Comments

[officerjudy.livejournal.com]

You know that I'm not much good when it comes to parenting stuff, but my e-mail is always open if you want someone to talk to. ::hugs::

[ciroccoj.livejournal.com]

Thanks, sweetie. That helps. ::hugs back::

[navhelowife.livejournal.com]

Hugs to you. I'm in the midst of child wrangling too, but if you need someone to vent to or if you want ideas of what I've tried, please let me know. I know there is nothing like having people close for day to day "What-do-I-do NOW???" sessions, but know I'm thinking of you. We are in the teen, preteen and still not even close stages around here, so I get the best and worst of all worlds :)

[ciroccoj.livejournal.com]

I'm in the midst of child wrangling too, but if you need someone to vent to or if you want ideas of what I've tried, please let me know.
Thanks :) :)

We are in the teen, preteen and still not even close stages around here, so I get the best and worst of all worlds :)
... and that makes me boggle, because two, relatively close in age, is sometimes more than we can handle around here... so my profound admiration for your parenting!

[lizzie-omalley.livejournal.com]

I wish I could help. Alas, I may have parenting advice but as I have never parented it may or may not be worth much. As an odd kid myself, I don't believe that you can force the odd out of a kid like that. In simplistice terms, either the odd gets surpressed so much that the kid is slightly warped for the effort or the kid gets depressed and frustrated and resistant. In either case, the odd will eventually out because it is part of the truth of that person.

The truth is that everyone is perfect the way they are and, at the same time, no-one is. We all have bumps, dents and protrusions that don't function smoothly in the world in which we live and somehow or other we have to learn how to reduce the snags those imperfections create in life both for the benefit of ourselves and for the benefit of others. It is both a survival and a generosity thing. I think part of a parent's role is to prepare a child to be himself whilst being able to live well in the world around him. That means that the child is going to have to learn to do a lot of accomodating in a lot of areas in order to function, in order to hold a job, have friends and support, stay out of fights, or find a partner if this is something they want. The child will need to learn which battles of being different are worth fighting and which ones are not. It is a hard and difficult lesson to learn, especially so when one is learning it on ones own. In addition, they are going to have to learn to do a lot of self supporting on those things that they have chosen to do out of step with the rest of the world because the world/society is going to fight them every step of the way. Perhaps one gift you give to your son is to help him work this bit out, where and how can he accomodate others to give them what they want or to get what he wants or both at once. Alternatively, how is he going to go his own way while at the same time causing the least damage and destruction to the people around him because he is a caring person and doesn't like to hurt people.

A few years ago I found this saying that I found very helpful as I was trying to deal with my own quirky self fitting into a corporate setting. "To be nobody but yourself, in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you like everybody else...means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting." (e.e. cummings)

I don't know if those generalities are in anyway helpful or comforting. I hope they are in some way.

Like the others, and although you don't know me well or beyond a surface way, I am available for ear bending if it will help. my email is in my user info.

[ciroccoj.livejournal.com]

As an odd kid myself, I don't believe that you can force the odd out of a kid like that. In simplistice terms, either the odd gets surpressed so much that the kid is slightly warped for the effort or the kid gets depressed and frustrated and resistant. In either case, the odd will eventually out because it is part of the truth of that person.
Yeah, ITA. I was an odd kid too. Somehow - and I'm pretty sure my mom had a lot to do with it - I grew up to value that oddness and see it as a positive, though it wasn't always easy to keep that in mind at school.

I think part of a parent's role is to prepare a child to be himself whilst being able to live well in the world around him. That means that the child is going to have to learn to do a lot of accomodating in a lot of areas in order to function, in order to hold a job, have friends and support, stay out of fights, or find a partner if this is something they want.
Yeah, and it's tough when the parents aren't terribly sure what needs accomodating and what doesn't. I think Daniel's incessant chatterboxness is a huge fault, and will make other kids avoid him. And yet he's got a number of friends who seem to really enjoy following him as he paces back and forth yammering for hours on end. At least, they seem to enjoy it, judging from how they invite him over, ask to come visit, and always seem very reluctant to part at the end of a playdate.

In addition, they are going to have to learn to do a lot of self supporting on those things that they have chosen to do out of step with the rest of the world because the world/society is going to fight them every step of the way.
It's really hard, too, when they don't even realize that they're out of step. They just get puzzled by rejection, with no idea of why they're being rejected.


"To be nobody but yourself, in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you like everybody else...means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting." (e.e. cummings)
Words of wisdom. Damn, I'm going to print that out and put it next to my computer.

Thanks :) :)

[lizzie-omalley.livejournal.com]

I love that quote. I glommed onto it when I first saw it and it has helped me ever since.

I think most traits are at the least double edged tools. A fault in one area, like incessant chattering is a gift to another area. Someone once told me that it is hard to learn anything (via listening) when your mouth is always going and I do tend to agree with him. Up to a point.

I think that it's hard for kids to see that there are multiple ways to be and that some ways are not going to be comfortable for all people. (Heck, that's hard for a lot of adults) I guess thats where the parent gets to help the child puzzle out what went on. You have the gift of experience and the potential for the insight that goes with it. Helping the child see that soandso rejected something or other that the child was doing and helping figure out if he is interested enough in soandso to try and do things a little differently in the future. It sounds like this is something you are already doing. And, as you know from your dealings with the lady who would not keep her promises about shared helping with kids or showing up on time to pick up her kid, not everyone learns or is desirable to have around.

With time, Daniel will learn that it is not he that is rejected, it is what he is doing that the person isn't happy with. The notion that we are not what we do is a hard lesson for most people to learn. We can change our behavior, if we choose, and still remain ourselves.

As a for what it's worth, I have learned a lot from reading your posts. I hope to take your wisdom into the classroom that I have just been offered.

[fearciuil.livejournal.com]

::hugs::

Like clearbell, I don't have kids, so my parenting advice is--um, well, *isn't*, to tell the truth. But I'm always ready to listen if you need it.

I gather from your posts that your boys are very bright. Have you (you probably have) looked into something like http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/ ? I know they have links to message boards under the "Community" tab ... maybe that's not what you're looking for....

::more hugs::

[ciroccoj.livejournal.com]

::hugs::
Thanks :) :)

Have you (you probably have) looked into something like http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/ ? I know they have links to message boards under the "Community" tab ...
I'll take a look, thanks. I'm a firm believe in message board help :) :)

[fearciuil.livejournal.com]

The degree I just finished is in Gifted & Talented, so ... if you need help finding stuff....

::feeling like I'm offering a silk thread with which to build a bridge::

[lizzie-omalley.livejournal.com]

Hey, for its size, silk is pretty strong. Put enough silk threads together and you could build a heck of a bridge.

[chable.livejournal.com]

I hope this doesn't seem too creepy. I'm a friend of Mynuet. I happened to see some of your comments on her journal,decided to wander over and found this post. Who knows why. :) I'm a *odd/different* person who married another *odd/different* person and produced two very *odd/different*, wonderful people. I haven't dug around your journal but can see that your Daniel has some issues that sound familiar. Both of my children were diagnosed with ADD but whose ADD symptoms manifested in totally different ways. They are now 18 & 20. I cannot tell you the nights we sat up worried that we were guilty of being *too much/little* fill in the blank with any or all of the following: discipline, acceptance, structure, guidance. We had no family and I found very little in the way of support through groups or professionals despite being open to their input. I guess your post just struck a nerve, reminding me where we were at one time and sometimes still are. I know your post was from a few weeks ago and you many not feel the same or really don't want to chat with a stranger but if you would like to you can find me at my journal, if not, I totally understand.

[ciroccoj.livejournal.com]

I hope this doesn't seem too creepy.
Not creepy at all. I haven't had a clue how to respond, but it felt very good that somebody completely unknown had read and reached out to help, during a pretty dark time.

I'm a *odd/different* person who married another *odd/different* person and produced two very *odd/different*, wonderful people.
Hee - so are we. I mostly think that's a good thing :)

Both of my children were diagnosed with ADD but whose ADD symptoms manifested in totally different ways. They are now 18 & 20. I cannot tell you the nights we sat up worried that we were guilty of being *too much/little* fill in the blank with any or all of the following: discipline, acceptance, structure, guidance.
I can only imagine.

We were told Daniel does not have ADD, but does have a non-verbal learning disability (NVLD), which inhibits his ability to read emotions or visual cues - or anything that isn't verbal. A lot of the same symptoms of ADD, as it happens.

We had no family and I found very little in the way of support through groups or professionals despite being open to their input. I guess your post just struck a nerve, reminding me where we were at one time and sometimes still are.
How did you get through it?

We have family, but the problem is, some of it is kind of toxic. Well, one person, anyway. Who has pretty much told us that the kid is weird and disturbed and needs a good smack to set him right.

I know your post was from a few weeks ago and you many not feel the same or really don't want to chat with a stranger but if you would like to you can find me at my journal, if not, I totally understand.
It's sort of an ongoing thing, off and on, this feeling of lostness. We went on a trip with part of the family he hadn't met yet, and it went rather better than I expected, so lately I've been feeling a bit more hopeful. But there are still so many days when he's just a complete mystery to me and I feel like we're both doing everything wrong - me especially.

Thanks so much for your offer. I'm not sure I can express how much it helped.