Missed opportunities

Service Dude: Hello good evening madam we are calling for a service checkup. We are getting a troubled signal from your computer.
Me: You're what?
Service Dude: We are getting an alarm from your computer.
Me: Where are you calling from?
Service Dude: From New York.
Me: I mean, what company?
Service Dude: From Microsoft.
Me: Ah. Nice try. We've only got Apples in this house. Please don't call us again.

Now we're all thinking, damn, I can't believe I hung up on the guy. Can you imagine the fun we could've had?

I should've told him we didn't believe in computers. That all we had were abacuses. Abaci. High-tech solar-powered abaci.

I should've told him we had an ENIAC. From Joe O'Grady's Celtic Wilderness Survival Superstore.

I should've gone along and asked him what I should do, following along on my Apple laptop.
Service Dude: Ma'am, can you go to your Start button. [FYI, Apples don't have a Start button]
Me: My what button?
Service Dude: The Start.
Me: You mean the on/off switch?
Service Dude: No ma'am, on your desktop.
Me: I don't have anything like that on my desktop.
Service Dude: It's in lower left corner of the screen.
Me: My desktop doesn't have a screen though. It's just wood.
Service Dude: What?
Me: My desktop. You know, the top of my desk? Where I keep my computer? It's made out of wood.
Service Dude: ...
Me: Or maybe it's particle board, I dunno, it's from IKEA. What screen do you mean?
Service Dude: Your computer screen.
Me: The screen's got an on/off switch?
Service Dude: No, a Start button.
Me: There's no buttons on my screen, it's just flat. I use a mouse on it and I click on stuff.
Service Dude: There's a picture that says Start. Click on that.
Me: Where?

Or maybe I should've gone to stand in front of my TV set and tried to follow his instructions from there.

Me: Open my Trash? I don't have a trash can on my screen. Why would I have that?
Service Dude: Your Recycle bin then.
Me: Recycle bin? Um... the fibre or glass/metal/plastic one?

Damn, missed opportunities :(